


Tearmann

by Taran40



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Age Difference, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Past Incest, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, Romance, Suicide Attempt, non-con/rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-04-17 19:48:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4679093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taran40/pseuds/Taran40
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snape has a bad day and it just gets worse. Lots of angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: This is a dark fic. It deals with tough subjects such as suicide. Don't read if these things upset you! This is AU.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: *sigh* Not mine. Some nasty, ugly, brilliant woman by the name of J.K. Rowling owns the whole Harry Potter universe. I'm just borrowing for a while, and then I'll send it all back the way I found it. 
> 
> Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest (Scenario: An accident occurs in the dungeons.) 
> 
> Thanks to my betas, Autumn Carrot, Toft, and R, Just R! I took all your advice to heart. Thanks a bunch for the help and constructive criticism. I never could have done it on my own. :D

Severus Snape was in an unusual mood. He wasn't angry or frustrated or just down right malicious. He was more depressed than he'd ever been in his life. Nothing seemed to be going his way at all. Today for example....

He awoke early to an insistent scratching at his door. Not knowing what was causing the sounds, Severus rose, pulled on his dressing robes and taking a deep breath, opened the door, prepared to blast which ever child dared to disturb him at such an hour. He was instead greeted to a yowl and only just managed to look down in time to see Filch's cat dart into his chambers, obviously deciding she needed to hide in his dungeon sanctuary. Severus rubbed his sleepy face as he closed the door and turned to see just where the nasty feline had gone. 

The living room was very dim with the only light coming from two small torches set into the wall on either side of the fireplace. The dungeons, of course, had no windows. Severus spotted the red-eyed cat on his work counter along the far side of the room. Severus growled at Mrs. Norris.

Severus stalked toward the cat waving his hands and hissing. In his haste to chase Mrs. Norris away from precious and dangerous potions bottles, the Potions master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry forgot about the cauldron of cooling Dreamless Sleep Draught left sitting on the floor in front of the counter. He kicked it hard and sent it rolling, splashing its contents everywhere.

"Bloody hell! Stupid feline monster!" he swore at the retreating cat as it knocked several delicate bottles off the shelf, which came crashing down to mix with the Sleep Draught. "Oh, bloody hell!" Severus muttered as a cloud of pink smoke started to rise. A quick scan around the room found the cowering cat in the soft chair in front of the cold fireplace. Snatching up the feisty feline in one hand, calling his wand into the other hand, he dashed out the door trying not to inhale too deep, just as the pink cloud grew to engulf the entire living room. 

"God damn!" He swore at the world in general. Severus Snape's morning started badly and proceeded to become a total disaster. Mrs. Norris, in her fright and anger, reached out with claws bared and tore down Severus' face and neck, leaving dark bloody stripes. Throwing the cat down, he screamed his loudest, most menacing cry. Severus took a deep breath and bent forward resting his hands on his knees. "Save the little beast and get mauled for my troubles. How bloody typical. Story of my life." 

He began coughing hard and slowly sank himself down to the floor. As his breathing came back to normal, Severus pulled his knees to his chest and bent his head down to rest a moment before beginning the work of clearing out his living quarters.

"Severus?"

"Hmm..." Severus slowly raised his head and blinked in the dim light. "Albus?"

The tall silver haired, twinkly-eyed headmaster knelt in front of his youngest staff member, concern bright in his eyes. "Severus, are you alright?"

"Yes. I must have fallen asleep," he said sleepily.

"Yes, I suppose you did, but why are you out in the hall in your robes?"

"Filch's little monster caused an accident, which nearly destroyed my chambers." Severus rose unsteadily to his feet and swayed briefly until Dumbledore rested a hand on his shoulder. He rubbed his sore red eyes and yawned. "What time is it?"

"It's nearly 8:30. You weren't at breakfast so I got worried. Are you sure you're alright?"

"Does it matter?" he responded curtly and turned to his door, muttering spells as he opened it. Behind him, Dumbledore gave a soft sigh, a deep look of concern crossing his face. Potions Master Snape never saw it, as he stepped into his rooms and closed the door behind him.

 

*****

 

"Five points from Gryffindor! Sit down, Mr. Finnigan," Snape growled loudly as he swept to the front of the classroom. Harry eyed his professor critically; noting the bloodshot eyes with dark circles under them, the paler than usual face and even noticed the slightly twitching hands. He looked to his best friend and saw Ron was already copying Snape's grimace.

Harry watched Professor Snape as he turned to glare at his students from behind his desk. "Your assignment is on the board. As seventh years, I really should not have to tell you to get started!" his voice rising at the end to a near shout. As the class scrambled to get their cauldrons, scales, and ingredients set up, Snape trailed his gaze across the room pausing briefly when his eyes made contact with Harry's. Harry quickly turned away, setting his cauldron precariously on the edge of his table. 

"Harry! Watch what you're doing," Hermione scolded grabbing his cauldron as it nearly crashed down on his head while he was bending down to retrieve his notebook from the floor, placing it firmly on the counter.

"Sorry, 'Mione. Nice catch, though." Harry glanced back to the front of the room in time to see Snape wincing as he stretched his neck to the side. "He's looking worse than usual today," Harry whispered to his friends.

Ron looked briefly at Snape before moving back to his store of ingredients. "Looks like Snape to me, Harry. Maybe a little more bleary eyed than some mornings, but still grumpy. I really don't understand why you've decided to care so much this year. He's treating you just as poorly as ever. Doesn't matter to him that you saved his life and defeated Voldemort." 

Ron was right. As much as Harry hated to admit it, nothing had changed between Harry and Snape since Voldemort was killed several months back. Everyone had thought, hoped, that once Snape was finally free of the dark lord that he'd somehow change, mellow out a bit. For a while it seemed as if he was going to relax and be more friendly but then suddenly he was just as sullen and cross as before, if not worse. Still, through the course of the last 6 years, Harry had developed a deep respect for the man. 

Snape had saved his life many times; risking his own life in the process and it wasn't as if Harry had defeated Voldemort all by himself, either. Severus Snape had been at Harry's side through the entire final battle, until Lucius Malfoy threw a powerful Cruciatus curse and dropped the potion teacher at Harry's feet. Harry was still haunted by Snape's screams in his dreams. It was as he was crouching down next to the exhausted and battered man that he realized that he didn't just respect the man, but actually deeply cared about him.

Harry jumped as he realized the man in his thoughts was standing directly behind him. Severus leaned over Harry's shoulder to peer into his cauldron. "Mr. Potter, do you plan on starting on your Water Purifying Potion some time today, or is this an inconvenient time for you? I assure you, I can schedule you in for later if you'd prefer... after supper, perhaps?" Severus' silky voice across Harry's neck sent shivers down his spine and straight to his groin. 

That was still new to Harry and he didn't quite know what to think about it. Boys -men, even- had never been his main focus before. He'd been with a couple of classmates but never had a strong physical response to any of them. Recently, however, he had started becoming greatly aroused by simply hearing Severus' voice. It didn't even matter what the man said; only that he said it to Harry.

"No, I'm ok, thanks," Harry said dreamily. The sarcasm of Severus' words no longer penetrated. 

"Then get to work!" he growled into Harry's ear. Harry shivered again as Severus moved off to intimidate other students. Harry looked back to his cauldron and realized that he hadn't even set the flame yet under it. Harry blushed and shook his head to clear it of thoughts of his professor draped over his desk, pants pooled around his ankles with Harry drilling into him from behind.

The rest of the class passed relatively easily, for Harry at least. He was able to concentrate fairly well once he got started. Snape, on the other hand, wasn't so fortunate. Neville, paired with Goyle by some deranged twist of fate, had nearly managed to get to the end of his potion without blowing anything up. It was just as he was adding the final ingredient to his cauldron, Snape passing behind him, when Goyle let out a loud belch and startled Neville, knocking a handful, instead of the required pinch, of dried water lilies into the boiling mixture. 

Hearing Longbottom's pained groan, Severus turned in time to watch the sea blue potion foam up and out of the old cauldron spilling onto the table and down the front of his own flowing robes. He screeched as the hot liquid soak through his layers of robes and clothes to scald his skin underneath.

"Longbottom!" he yelled. "Clean this up at once! Mr. Goyle, you will assist your partner," the last word ground out like a bitter curse. Snape peeled the wet, steaming material from his body and turned to glare at the rest of the class. "Finish your potions, bottle them, clean up and get out!" He stormed into his office and slammed the door shut behind him. Severus didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or shout out in rage. It was the third set of robes destroyed since the start of term, which was only 4 weeks ago. 

He threw off his teaching robe, already being drained of its deep black colour as the purifying potion ate away at it. The white dress shirt he wore underneath was ruined as well from the leaking black of the robe, discolouring it to a sickly grey. Since it was destroyed anyway, Severus didn't bother with opening its many buttons, but instead just ripped it open and tossed it on the discarded robe. He looked down and saw that while his chest was quite pink, it didn't seem to really be burned from the hot potion. He sighed and sunk down into his chair, opening a side drawer in his desk and extracted a clean white t-shirt and a fresh robe. Severus put his elbows on the desk in front of him and leaned his face into his hands, rubbing his aching eyes.

Severus was cold, now that the potion had stopped burning. He started to shiver as he rose to return to his class. He felt drained, too. After so many restless nights recently and then being woken so early, he was beginning to feel as though he was back in the war working as a spy as he had done for so many years. He honestly didn't feel like the war had truly ended and he was a free man, as he had never been before. Even after the dark lord had been killed there was so much to do, so many responsibilities. It was months before things had finally calmed down and a sense of normalcy was established. 

Severus was no longer a double agent, spending all his waking hours trying to help in the fight against his former master. He wasn't Severus Snape, Potions Master/spy; he was simply Severus Snape, Potions Master. He had time like never before to devote to his classes and private research projects as well as still having time to sleep. Sleep, however, had always been elusive and was only worse now that he actually had the time to devote to it. The lack of sleep was adding to his stress and frustrations. He knew it should be better now, not worse and couldn't understand why it was so difficult.

The end of class bell brought Severus out of his musings. Returning to the classroom, he allowed his gaze to follow the teens out the door. As he turned towards his desk, his eye caught a flash of green and he stopped short to peer into the emerald depths of his most dreaded student. It wasn't that he was afraid of Harry Potter... well, not in the way most people would think, anyhow.

It was the emotions the young man brought out in him that he feared. After all, there weren't many people Severus Snape had ever cared about in his life and even fewer that he could actually say he loved, and he did love Harry Potter. He would just never say it. He'd always had a fondness for the defiant boy, regretting his role as the most hated professor, but over the last year it had developed into so much more. He respected Harry as a powerful wizard, envied his strength of conviction, and appreciated his ability to cope with whatever life dealt him. For a time, he had almost convinced himself that maybe they could even become friends.

Everything changed after the war ended. They weren't forced to work or talk or even to be in the same room together and Harry had seemed greatly relieved. He missed his long talks with Harry, but never made a move to engage in conversation with the growing teenager. He was certain the Hero of the Wizarding World would mock him, or at the very least, be frightened away at the thought of talking to the hated, greasy git of a Potions Master. No, Severus had quite deluded himself about being friends with the child.

"Yes, Mr. Potter? Is there something you wanted?" Severus asked coolly.

"Actually, I was going to ask if you were alright." Harry watched Severus closely. He'd come to admire Severus' sarcastic wit and dark charm, but found none of that today. Severus had been quiet and withdrawn since the start of term and with his appearance today, Harry was seriously beginning to worry about the older wizard.

"Quite all right, Mr. Potter. It was a simple purifying potion. No harm done," he replied tiredly.

"I didn't mean the potion, sir. You look exhausted."

"Thank you for your concern, Potter, but I'm fine. Just a minor accident in the dungeon woke me a little early is all. Now shouldn't you run along? Wouldn't want your little friends to think I was molesting you down here or something, now would we?" Severus' sarcastic remarks didn't have their usual results of flaring anger flashing in Harry's deep green eyes. Instead, Harry actually blushed. A look of surprise and confusion quickly crossed Severus' face before returning to his customary bored blankness. 

"Yes, sir," Harry mumbled keeping his head down and scurried from the room before his passion for his professor could force him into an extremely embarrassing situation.

The rest of Severus' morning went relatively quietly. Third year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were easily dealt with as no points needed to be taken from either house. First year Slytherins only had a pop quiz, so that was easy, too. He was starting to feel better about his day when he walked into the Great Hall for lunch. 

He sat at the end of the table in his usual spot and surveyed the long tables set in front of the staff table. He noted that some of the children had already started eating but most were still filtering in at their leisure. Severus caught Harry's eye for the third time that day and saw the look of concern on the young man's face. Harry gave him a small smile before turning back to his friends. He turned to the plate that had appeared in front of him.

"Good morning, Sev," Sirius Black said cheerfully, sitting down next to Snape at the head table. "I heard you were playing with Filch's cat again this morning. Really, Sev, you ought to stop that. Someone might think you're going soft." He laughed lightly as Severus growled at him. Severus was still angered by the animagus' return to Hogwarts as the Animagus Instructor. 

Black had been cleared of the murder charges that had sent him to the Wizarding prison, Azkaban, for 12 years, but Severus still hadn't forgiven him for nearly killing him during their 6th year at Hogwarts. Severus was thankful for the appearance of Remus Lupin, who had returned as the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor once again, at that moment, as he easily distracted Black away from him. He listened as the two lovers made small talk. Each discussing their morning classes, making plans for the coming weekend and just enjoying each other's company. 

Severus was jealous. He'd never had a relationship like that. He'd never had a lover he could talk to at anytime about anything that was on his mind. He briefly wondered if he'd ever be that open with anyone. The hours spent in private conversation with Harry was as close as he'd ever come, but their conversations were very rarely of a personal nature. He thought perhaps he could talk easily with the young man if he had wanted to, it just never happened. Never would happen.

Severus gave a deep sigh and pushed his barely touched plate away. Just listening to Black and Lupin had depressed him even further. His life was a mess and only he was to blame. He had let himself be pulled into Lucius' circle of Death Eaters just to stave off the loneliness that was suffocating him instead of opening up to the true friends he might have had. Lucius had promised him so much when all he ever wanted was a place to be himself. When he realized that it was all lies and Tom Riddle was truly a mad man, not the tough politician he had started out as, it was too late. He had taken the mark and couldn't turn back. Albus Dumbledore had taken him in, offering sanctuary. Severus finally had what he'd been most searching for his whole life, friendship. Albus used him as much as Voldemort, but it was different. Albus didn't demand, didn't expect loyalty and respect. He earned it. For years, Severus believed that was all he needed, a good friend. It just wasn't enough anymore. He needed companionship.

Severus took a last look around the Great Hall. He could always spot the young couples no matter how hard they tried to be nonchalant. He was a great observer, a skill honed from his years spent as a spy for the Order of the Phoenix. He watched their eyes and smiles. Despite trying to hide their emotions, the students' eyes never lied.

He saw how the youngest Weasley boy looked at Draco Malfoy across the room. Severus knew the boys would eventually end up together. He'd always suspected they'd end up either killing each other or shagging and since they were both still breathing, he knew it was just a matter of time before they started shagging. He was rather glad they hadn't killed each other. While Ron Weasley wasn't the brightest student, he did have great skills in strategy as he had demonstrated in the final months leading to the last stand against the dark lord. Draco had shown exceptional potential in the field of Aurors during the last battles and had shown how much of a hero he could really be.

Miss Granger was likely to have a ring from Neville Longbottom by the end of the year, if not sooner, if the looks they were exchanging were any indication. That one had surprised him. He'd have thought the brilliant girl would have gone for someone on a more intellectual level with herself. It wasn't that he thought Longbottom to be a complete idiot, he was finally passing his potions class and Severus had heard that Sprout had offered the young man an apprenticeship already; he just wasn't as studious as Granger.

He let his eyes wander over the rest of the Gryffindor table until he was again staring into Harry's emerald green eyes. Severus blinked but didn't turn away from the gaze. He felt his face relax a little but otherwise gave no indication of the emotions running through him. He loved looking into Harry's eyes. He would fall into their depths and never come out if the world would allow it. Severus could read Harry's eyes like a book. He could see the compassion Harry felt for life, the need to be needed, and a loneliness he hadn't really noticed before. They weren't as different as he had once believed.

Harry blushed lightly and gave Severus a small smile as he had done before. Severus didn't quite smile in return but he didn't scowl either. He left the Great Hall feeling a little lighter than he had in weeks. He was still depressed and lonely, but less so now. Maybe, just maybe, someday he would find and hold the lover of his dreams.

 

*****

 

Supper in the Great Hall was almost always interesting. The children always seemed louder than at other meals, shouting, laughing, and sometimes even having small food fights among their own houses. The major food fights that involved two or more of the houses had finally stopped when Fred and George Weasley had graduated. Something for which the staff, Severus particularly, was exceedingly grateful. Once, after an especially large food fight, which had left potatoes on the enchanted ceiling, the house elves had refused to clean it. This was unprecedented. The red heads were forced to clean the entire Hall without the use of magic; and while they never participated in another food fight, Severus was sure they had instigated a few more before leaving the school. There were times when the Great Hall seemed too quiet and Severus actually missed the twins' antics. They always made things interesting.

Severus was missing them tonight. Supper had just started and already he could tell it was going to be long and dull. The children were subdued as they ate. The chatter one would expect on a pre-Hogsmeade Friday was absent. If not for Dumbledore's insistence, Severus would have just skipped the meal entirely. He was tired and just didn't feel like eating. The quietness of the room did nothing to lighten his mood, either. 

Severus felt the weight of a stare on him and realized Albus was watching him. He turned to look at the older wizard, raising a questioning eyebrow. Dumbledore pointedly looked down at his plate and back up to him. Severus realized that it hadn't gone unnoticed that he hadn't eaten his lunch or breakfast. Rather than starting an argument at the table with all the other teachers listening, he turned to his plate and tersely started eating.

An ostentatious laugh caught his attention. Turning to the Gryffindor table, he watched as Ginny Weasley sat down on her brother's lap and soundly kissed Harry Potter's shocked lips. Severus had known the 6th year was in love with Harry since she had first arrived at the school, but that the two had never actually dated. He had been quite certain that Harry wasn't interested in the fairer sex. Seeing them kissing, he wasn't so sure anymore. Harry had leaned into the kiss and wrapped his arms around the slim girl.

Harry pulled out of the kiss, blushing, glanced around to see who had witnessed the display. Severus averted his eyes quickly as Harry scanned the head table. He knew Minerva was giving Harry a disapproving look, Dumbledore was smiling with his twinkling eyes, and Black and Lupin were giving him the thumbs up. Suddenly, Severus wasn't feeling well at all.

He knew he had no right to be jealous. He had never and would never make a move on a student. Harry wasn't even his friend, was he? It was ridiculous to react to Harry kissing anyone and yet, he was feeling hurt and betrayed. All the little smiles Harry had given him recently had given him a small hope that maybe they could be something and now, that hope was crushed. He should have known better. He never hoped for anything.

Severus quietly excused himself from the table, ignoring Dumbledore's disapproving looks, and headed back to his dungeon sanctuary. He needed to be alone with his racing emotions.

 

*****

 

So, that was where he was. Sitting alone in front of his fireplace, an empty bottle of firewhiskey on the floor next to his chair and a near empty glass in his hand. It had been years since Severus had cried and yet tonight, he couldn't seem to stop. All his thoughts were utterly consumed with Harry Potter, from his startlingly green eyes and unruly black hair to his simple carefree smile. 

The more he thought about the young wizard, the more ashamed he was of himself. He was old enough to be Harry's father. Hell, he'd been to school with Harry's father! True, age was very rarely a factor in Wizarding couples due to the long lives of witches and wizards, but it was still wrong for a teacher to seduce a student. Every time his mind started to wander over to thoughts of what it might be like to kiss those young lips, caress his soft skin, feel his warm hands on his own cool body, he snapped back to thinking he was just a dirty old man, that the 'boy' would never have anything to do with him, and if anyone ever found out that he was lusting after The Boy Who Lived, he'd either be tossed in Azkaban or St. Mungo's.

Severus pounded back what was left in his glass, then threw it into the fireplace, the last drops of firewhiskey sparking as the glass shattered. He stalked over to his cupboards and surveyed the contents. He was getting very drunk and with it very desperate. He wanted to escape these horrid feelings. Severus had never allowed himself to feel despair before and didn't know how to handle it. He could deal with anger, frustration, even fear. Those were emotions he was familiar with and knew how to suppress them into the darkest regions of his mind. Depression was foreign to him. 

On one side of the cabinet was another bottle of firewhiskey, some very old Scotch he was saving for something special and a fresh bottle of Dreamless Sleep Draught. On the other side were various potions and even a few poisons. Without really thinking about it, he pulled a small grey vial from the shelf and examined its contents critically. While it was unlabeled, it was obvious to the Potion Master that it contained Deathweed, a slow painless poison that eased the drinker into a deep sleep before lowering the body into death. It would be simple to take it and just let himself drift off. Severus looked back into the cupboard and took down the antidote, which was in a similar grey vial but had a red stopper in it.

Sitting back in his chair before the fire, Severus contemplated the two vials in his hands. Setting the one with the red stopper gently down beside the empty whiskey bottle, he held the other in front of the fire to watch the flames flicker through the grey glass. His mind had suddenly gone blank, all thought retreating, leaving him cold and empty. Without a single thought for what he was doing, Severus pulled the cork from the vial and poured the viscous liquid down his throat. It burned a little but not as much as he thought it should. He glanced at the clock on his mantle, noting it was just past midnight. He calculated that he had about 2 hours until the antidote would no longer be effective and about an hour after that, he'd be gone. There was no emotion to the thought, just cool disinterest.

Severus was just starting to think that perhaps it would be nice if he left Dumbledore a small note, when the door of his chambers was knocked on. He tossed the empty vial into the fire and called softly, "Come in."

He was expecting it would be the headmaster coming to check on his former spy, so when a tentative "Um, Professor?" was called, he jumped out of his chair and wheeled around so fast, he made himself dizzy. He swayed unsteadily for a moment trying to focus on the handsome vision standing just a few feet away. He blinked furiously, hardly believing that Harry Potter was actually there. 'I must be drunker than I thought,' he mused.

"I'm sorry to disturb you so late," Harry said with a yawn, "but I couldn't sleep and I saw the light under your door. Do you happen to have some Dreamless Sleep Draught in here? Madam Pomfrey doesn't have any left."

Severus continued to stare blankly for a moment before he understood what Harry wanted. "Yes, there's a bottle in the cupboard over there." He pointed to the cabinet he had left open only moments ago. He continued to sway as he watched Harry walk to the cupboard and remove the bottle of Draught. Harry turned to look at his professor and saw his bleary red eyes and extremely pale face.

"Sir, are you alright?" he asked softly, watching Severus as though he were about to fall over at any moment.

"No," Snape answered honestly, though he made no move as to elaborate farther.

"What's wrong, Professor?" Harry was becoming alarmed. He'd never seen Severus looking so pale and lifeless.

"Nothing that won't be fixed in a few hours."

"What do you mean?" Harry started scanning the room not really knowing what he was looking for, but knowing there was something terribly wrong.

"It doesn't matter, Harry... err Potter. It'll be over soon and you can go about your life safe and happy. I'm sure you and Miss Weasley will have a long happy life full of laughter and children. You're parents would be very proud of you, I'm sure. You'll be a fine Auror someday, too, no doubt." Snape sounded sarcastic but was getting teary eyed again. He ignored his tears as he watched Harry watching him. Harry had noticed the empty bottle of firewhiskey beside Severus' cozy chair. Looking closer he saw the red-topped vial resting beside the bottle. He reached down and picked it up. 

"What's this?" he asked suspiciously looking at Severus.

"It's an antidote," Severus answered very casually.

Harry's eyes bulged out with dread. "Antidote for what?" His heart was now racing faster than it ever had during Quidditch and he was fairly certain he'd never been so scared for someone in his life as he was at that moment watching Severus Snape.

"It's the antidote to Deathweed, of course." Severus looked at Harry as though he thought the question was perfectly ridiculous. He had begun to wave as though standing on a boat, looking decidedly paler than when Harry had first walked in the door.

"Why do you have this out next to your chair? Where's the Deathweed poison?" Harry was nearly panicking now. He had stepped closer to Snape, expecting to catch him falling any minute now.

"Mr. Potter," Severus was sounding exasperated now, as if he was explaining the importance of scales to a first year student, "one should always have the antidote available when taking a poison."

"YOU DRANK DEATHWEED??"

"Well, I certainly didn't put it on like cologne." Severus suddenly lurched forward into Harry's arms. "I'm really rather tired now, Harry," he said vaguely. "Would you kindly help me to bed?" 

Harry was trembling now, holding the weakening man in his arms. Harry grasped the small vial tighter in his hand and pulled Severus up into his arms. He looked around the dim room and saw the door that led into what must be the bedchamber. He carried Severus quickly into the smaller room and set him gently on the bed. He pulled his wand from his robe and flicked it at the fireplace, starting a small fire. He looked back at Snape who was already drifting off. Harry yelled at him to stay awake.

"Why? It's so much easier to just sleep," Severus' deep voice was so low Harry almost didn't hear what was said. Harry sat on the edge of the bed, pulled the stopper off the grey vial and slipped his free hand under Severus' head to raise him up. He then pressed the small vial to Severus' lips and urged him to drink. He wasn't thinking about anything anymore and silently did as Harry asked. Harry was so relieved he started to cry. Severus slowly raised a hand to Harry's cheek and wiped away a tear. 

"Please don't cry Harry. Everything will be ok in a few hours," he whispered softly.

"Why? Why did you do that?" Harry was crying harder now. The look of peace on Severus' face as he talked about dying scared Harry more than anything.

"Because I love you," Severus said with a pained smile. His eyes fluttered closed so he never saw the look of wonderment and surprised joy that sprang up on Harry's face. He shifted over as Harry laid next to him to watch him through the night, smiled serenely as Harry's arms wrapped around him and for the first time in as long as he could remember, Severus Snape was actually looking forward to morning. For the first time he could remember, life didn't seem so bad.


	2. Chapter 2

Throbbing, pounding, pulsing. Someone was tapping out an erratic beat on the inside of his skull. He could feel the rush of blood in his ears. Every sound echoed over and over in his brain. His stomach began doing somersaults and back-flips. Hell, even his hair was starting to ache.

Severus Snape rested his head in his hands, elbows propped up on the staff table at the front of the Great Hall. He was beyond caring about who saw him and how weak he must appear to be. All he wanted to do was go back to his dungeon and sleep for the next day. It was Saturday and he had no plans for the following day, thank Merlin.

He felt the weight of a stare on him and knew without looking up that Albus was watching him closely. Albus always worried too much, especially about him. He knew he must look dreadful, paler than his usual sallow color, eyes bloodshot and puffy. Albus had already commented that day on the weight he had lost recently, and he didn't have much to spare. He had always been slim but now he was approaching skeletal. He knew he had to eat but the smells of the food laid before him was making him nauseous.

A loud crash from a plate falling and breaking on the floor brought Severus' head up suddenly, which caused him to be very dizzy. He was unable to stifle a low moan, attracting the attention of the man sitting next to him. Remus Lupin turned to look closely at Snape for the first time that evening. He saw Severus clutching his stomach as if that would be enough to keep him from vomiting.

"Severus? What's wrong?" he asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Migraine," Severus whispered, again holding his head in his hands.

"Oh! Would you like me to walk you back to your quarters?" Remus whispered just as quietly, laying a gentle hand on Severus' shoulder. Severus started to nod then winced. Remus watched closely as the potions master rose shakily to his feet. 

Remus, like most of the staff, was worried about Severus. The former Death Eater-turned-spy had survived so much before and during the war that he seemed almost invincible. Now that the war had ended and the Dark Lord was no more, the toll the struggle had taken on the strong man was becoming clear.

Severus appeared ill and not just this evening from a migraine. He had been looking poorly for the last several weeks at least. The staff had all noticed it by now. Some shrugged it off, saying he'd be fine. Others, like Remus and Albus, weren't so certain anymore. Severus had been far too quiet as of late, hardly talking to anyone about anything. He couldn't even be enticed into a debate about his own Slytherins versus Gryffindors. 

It was, however, Severus' lack of sarcasm that worried Remus the most. The usual cold exterior was replaced with an empty void. In the past, one could always count on a scathing remark or penetrating glare to remind you of your place; now one couldn't expect anything from the man except perhaps an empty glance.

Another soft moan brought Remus back to present. He stood as Severus swayed in front of his chair. He placed his hand gently on the small of Severus' back and urged him towards the door. He saw Albus watching them with concern etched on his usually cheerful face and gave him a nod, reassuring him that he'd take care of Severus.

They slipped out the side door side-by-side. When the door had closed behind them, Severus paused. Remus eyed him closely and could see he was slightly green and struggling to master his rebellious digestion. He waited patiently for Severus to breathe more evenly and stand straighter before they moved down the corridor towards the stairs to the dungeons. Severus was clutching his stomach with one hand and using the other to brace himself against the wall.

"Severus, maybe you should see Madame Pomfrey first," Remus suggested quietly. He didn't expect Severus to agree, knowing how much he disliked the hospital wing, so when Severus simply nodded in ascent, Remus began to worry more. 

Keeping his hand on the professor's back, Remus guided him towards one of the staircases that lead up to the hospital wing. Just as they stepped onto the stairs the stairway began to move, swinging sideways to a different landing. Remus barely managed to grab onto Severus as the man lurched forward.

With one hand around Severus' waist and the other holding back the long inky black hair, he held on as Severus emptied his stomach onto the treacherous stairs. He waited as the man slowly stopped retching and shaking before pulling out his wand and cleaning the mess. Remus was grateful to have gotten the dignified man out of the Great Hall before he'd gotten sick. Severus couldn't stand being the centre of attention and having witnesses to this would have mortified him.

When Severus was ready, they started up the stairs then made their way along another hall, ignoring inquiring paintings as they walked in silence. When they reached another staircase Severus paused. He was trembling and swaying dangerously. Remus was tempted to pick him up and carry him the rest of the way, but didn't think Severus would appreciate the indignity of it.

Severus turned to look at Remus; his eyes shining with unshed tears. Remus made a quick decision, thinking to hell with dignity, and as gently as he could, swept Severus into his arms. He was amazed at just how light the tall wizard was. He had expected him to be slight, but not like this. 

Severus tucked his head under Remus' chin and wrapped an arm loosely around his neck. Remus could feel the heat from the trembling man's forehead and knew he was running a fever. It also felt like Severus had given into the tears and was sobbing, though he made no sound. Remus nearly ran the rest of the way to the infirmary. 

Remus paused briefly inside the door to search for Madame Pomfrey. As his eyes scanned the room he heard a startled cry from the bed nearest him.

"Profess - OUCH!!" Draco Malfoy screamed loudly, sitting up in the bed. He was covered in what appeared to be hundreds of long needles growing out of his skin. At the harsh sound, Severus whimpered and buried his face deeper into Remus' chest. Remus gave Malfoy a glare then turned to Pomfrey as she hurried down the row of beds.

"Mr. Malfoy, keep your voice down!" She said very sternly. "What happened, Remus?" her voice grew soft with concern.

"He said he's got a migraine," Remus replied softly.

Poppy Pomfrey shook her head sadly. "Take him to the back room. I'll be there in a moment." The medi-witch gently instructed Malfoy to lie back down then went to gather some supplies before following Remus into the small room.

Remus tenderly laid Severus on the bed, careful to lower his aching head slowly onto the pillow. His eyes were squeezed tight but the tears seem to have stopped, at least for the moment. His face was a picture of pure agony. Remus brushed the hair from Severus' sweating forehead, feeling the heat radiating from it.

He stepped back as Pomfrey entered the room with a large tray floating in front of her. He could see several vials and bottles of varying sizes and colours and her wand resting in the middle of it. She sat on the edge of the bed and took Severus' face in her small hands.

"Severus?" When he didn't respond she raised her voice slightly. "Severus, have you taken anything yet?" When he finally opened his eyes they were glassy and unfocused. "Severus, have you taken anything?" She asked again more firmly.

"..No... happened... suddenly... too sudden," Severus was becoming delirious from the pain. His eyes fluttered shut again, his chest heaving in rasping breaths.

The medi-witch turned to the tray still floating beside her. She picked up a large grey bottle and began filling a small cup. When it had three fingers worth of the creamy white liquid she picked up a tiny vial and poured its entire lime green contents into the mix. She picked up her wand and used its tip to blend the potions together. 

Pomfrey turned back to Severus, slipped one hand under his neck and gently elevated his head. She pressed the cup to his lips and tilted it back. Remus watched as some of the pale potion dribbled out the side of his mouth, but was glad to see most of it swallowed. He stared at the man's torso as it continued to rise and fall with harsh breaths. As the older witch laid Severus back down, he noticed the man's face begin to soften, the hard lines around his eyes relaxing. It wasn't long before Severus was breathing calmly as sleep took away the worst of the pain.

"What did you give him?" Remus asked curiously.

"A very strong sedative with a mild pain killer." Pomfrey tucked the blanket around Severus' sides and softly touched his face. She could feel the fever flushing his cheeks bright pink.

"Just a 'mild' pain killer?" Remus looked confused.

Madame Pomfrey shook her head sadly. "Severus doesn't do well with pain killers." She stood up and waved Remus out of the room, assuring him that she'd take care of the Potions master.

Remus was lost in thought as he walked down the aisle between the mostly empty beds. He had forgotten about Draco Malfoy until the young man's voice reached him.

"What did you do to Professor Snape?" He asked, glaring menacingly at the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"I didn't do anything. He has a migraine," Remus answered, eyeing the odd-looking wizard with open curiosity. A smile slowly crept over his lips. "Were you and Harry duelling again?"

"No, we were not!" Draco said hotly. "It was that damn Weasley again!"

Remus laughed as he sat down on the side of Draco's bed. "Ron or Ginny this time?"

"Ginny," the blond ground out between clenched teeth, clearly embarrassed by the admission. He started to cross his arms over his chest then grimaced and groaned as he was reminded of the quills that covered his upper body.

Remus laughed again. "You'd better be careful, Draco. You're going to end up marrying her... or him!"

"NO WAY," Draco shouted at him.

"Malfoy!" came the holler from near the back of the infirmary. 

"Do you have any idea," his voice back down to a stage whisper, "any idea at all how my father would react? A Malfoy marrying a Weasley??"

"Well, they are purebloods..."

"Not as far as my father is concerned. Weasleys are worse than mudbloods." Draco sounded saddened by this, which slightly surprised Remus. He knew Draco was nothing like his father especially as far as 'mudbloods' were concerned, but he also didn't think the young man worried about what his father thought about anything. Ever since the end of the war, Remus had been under the impression that the Malfoy's had had a falling out and weren't talking.

"Draco, you've followed your heart this far, and it's served you well. Don't you think you should keep following it?"

The young wizard looked thoughtful a moment, then a small smile broke out. "You're right! I have done well so far on my own. I don't need father's approval for anything! If I want to marry a Weasley, then I'll damn well marry a Weasley!" He started grinning widely, looking very pleased with himself.

"That's the spirit! So, which one is it going to be?" Remus couldn't help laughing and soon Draco joined him.

"Well... um... girls have never done anything for me," Draco was looking decidedly bashful.

"Ah! So it IS Ron who lights your fire! I knew it!" Remus gave a smug smile as he rose from the bed. "Don't worry, though. I won't tell him... yet!" As he reached the door to leave he turned back to the blushing man.

"By the way, what exactly did Ginny do to you?"

"Porcupine hex. Madame Pomfrey said they should be gone by morning." Draco looked like he couldn't decide if he should be amused or angry at the youngest Weasley's curse.

Remus was laughing so hard as he exited the room that he ran right into Harry without seeing him. He gave Harry an apologetic smile then moved down the hall. Harry just shrugged, then went into the infirmary.

Harry's eyes opened wide as he looked at Draco. He quickly covered his mouth with his hands as he started to laugh, but wasn't able to muffle the sound nearly enough.

"Oh, shut up, Potter!" Draco was getting tired of being made fun of. Harry, trying to quiet his snickering, still continued to stare from the foot of Draco's bed.

"Ginny said to tell you she's sorry, but Ron says he's not. He said that if you try to touch his... err... 'wand' again he'll not only send Ginny after you but the twins and Percy as well." He stopped trying to stifle his laughter as a mild look of fear crossed Draco's face. Draco had fallen prey to far too many of the twins' pranks to take the threat lightly.

"Mr. Malfoy," the medi-witch emerged from her office looking ready to explode. "Oh, so it’s you this time, Mr. Potter. In case you hadn't noticed this IS a hospital wing and just because young Malfoy here is the only patient you see, doesn't mean you can ignore the rules! Kindly keep your voice down, or I will remove you from the room!" 

Harry looked at Draco in confusion. Madame Pomfrey very rarely raised her voice to him or any other student. Draco suddenly looked very worried about something, which only confused him more.

"What happened?"

Draco looked at his hands folded in his lap. He didn't look up as he spoke. "Professor Lupin brought Snape in... Carried him in, actually. He looked awful." All the laughter drained out of Harry even as the colour was draining from his face. He stared at the door to the small room at the back of the infirmary. 

Draco finally looked up at Harry as he started toward the room. Draco knew that Harry cared more for the Potions Master than he would admit and wasn't sure that telling him what happened had been a good idea. On the other hand, Harry was going to find out eventually anyhow, so maybe it was best to know before any rumours could start about what exactly was wrong with the man.

"Lupin said it was just a migraine," but Harry wasn't listening anymore, his hand was already on the door. 

He pushed it in slowly, expecting Madame Pomfrey to start scolding him at any moment. When he was able to slip through the doorway, he nearly choked over a gasp. Severus Snape was lying death-white with eyes wide open and unblinking, his dark, sweat-dampened hair contrasting vividly with the white sheets. Harry was sure Severus was dead and it was entirely his fault.

At the sound Harry made, Pomfrey, standing at the side of the bed, whirled around, with her wand raised and her eyes wide. Her face relaxed when she saw who was standing there.

"He's not dead, Harry. He's just sleeping," she tried to comfort the young man. She could plainly read the fear in his face. She was surprised, however, when he broke into loud sobs and ran to Severus' side, taking his hand and whispering apologies. 

"Mr. Potter, whatever are you sorry for? Severus has a migraine, which I'm certain you did not cause. He'll be all right in a day or so."

Harry regained control of himself, wiping his eyes and sniffling loudly. He looked up at the concerned witch with his red-rimmed eyes.

"Are you sure it's just a migraine? It's not ...something else?" Harry's voice was quivering.

"Of course, I'm sure! What else could it be?" Pomfrey's suspicions were arouse by the odd look the man had on his face and his hesitation to answer. "Harry?"

"Well... could it be poison?" Harry's voice was small and fearful. He proceeded to tell the medi-witch about the Deathweed poison and antidote from the night before.

"When I woke up this morning he was already gone. I never got a chance to talk to him about it. I know I should have told you about it right away, but I just couldn't. I was so scared. It felt like I’d be betraying him or something. I should have told you." Harry's words came out in a great rush. 

Madame Pomfrey had gone white as Harry told his story. She looked down at Severus' sleeping form and shook her head sadly. "Oh, Severus. I'm so sorry child," she whispered.

She turned to Harry, giving him a forced smile. "Thank you for telling me, Mr. Potter. I'll take care of him. Will you stay with him for a few minutes? I have some things to do." At Harry's nod, she rose and left the room quietly. Harry sighed heavily, and then pulled a chair up close to the bed so he could sit comfortably. 

After several minutes, Harry heard low voices outside the door to Severus' room. He recognized them as belonging to Madame Pomfrey and the Headmaster. 

"I will not send him to St. Mungo's, Poppy! He'll die there! You know that as well as I do." Albus Dumbledore sounded angrier than Harry could ever remember the kindly old man being before.

"Albus, he's suicidal. I can't take care of him properly here. He needs constant supervision and I can't give him that while running a hospital ward. You know I'd never send him away if I thought there was another choice."

"My answer is no. I will take care of him myself if I must. This is entirely my fault, anyhow. I should have been watching him more closely."

Harry looked up as the door opened. He could see the worry and defeat written all over the older man's face. Albus Dumbledore looked all of his 150 some years. His usually twinkling blue eyes were now dark and sunken, even the smile lines that etched out from behind his half-moon glasses were faded as though not used for a long time.

Dumbledore nodded gravely to Harry as he stepped up to the bed, then gazed down at the prone man and sighed deeply. He rested his hand softly on Severus' forehead, muttering indistinguishable words. Harry watched as Severus' eyelids slowly lowered and closed. 

"I'll take care of him," Harry whispered.

Dumbledore turned to look directly at Harry. When their eyes met, Harry saw a very faint twinkle. "You have school to worry about, Harry."

"Professor Snape's life is far more important." Harry said firmly. He had made his decision and wasn't going to back down. He didn't care if it meant staying at Hogwarts another year. He was in no hurry to leave anyhow.

"That is a very generous offer, my boy, however-"

"Professor," Harry cut him off, "Severus Snape has been taking care of me since I arrived at Hogwarts. I think I owe him the same courtesy and care that he's shown me."

Dumbledore rested a hand on Harry's shoulder and gave him a weak smile. "We'll see, Harry. We shall see." 

He then shooed the young man out of the room, telling him that he wanted some time with Severus and that Harry should get some rest. He assured Harry that he was welcome to come back and sit with Severus in the morning. Harry reluctantly left the room.

That night, Harry had a tougher time than usual getting to sleep. He was worried about Severus and what might have happened to cause the extreme headache. He couldn't help the guilt that kept clawing at him for not having gone straight to the medi-witch after giving the antidote for the Deathweed poison. When he did finally drift into a restless sleep, it was filled with dreams of dark rooms and a screaming voice that was not his own.

Harry awoke to Ron shaking his shoulder, staring worriedly at him. He could feel dampness on his face and realised that he'd been crying in his sleep. He wiped the tears from his face and sat up slowly. After reassuring his best friend that he was ok, they dressed quickly and headed down for breakfast.

Harry ate quickly then excused himself to go to the infirmary. Ron followed, saying he wanted to check on Draco. Harry set a quick pace that even Ron, with his longer legs, had a hard time matching. Entering the small hospital wing, Harry barely nodded at Draco, not even noticing the lack of quills and made his way straight to the back room.

He stopped outside the door upon hearing loud voices. Severus was obviously awake, because he was yelling at someone. Harry could hear the stress in the man's usually calm voice.

"I will NOT be locked away! You cannot force me, Albus. After everything I did for that damned war, for that boy, this is my reward? To be locked away from the world like a mad dog?"

Harry stormed into the room. "NO!" he shouted. "I won't let you send him away!" Severus was as white as the night before and shaking terribly. Harry could plainly see the fear in his eyes. The man looked completely heartbroken as well.

Severus sat in the middle of the bed and pulled his knees to his chest. He dropped his head down, his hair creating a dark curtain, and wrapped his arms around his legs. His shoulders shook in quiet sobs. Harry understood how he felt; defeated, used up, and now his worst fear was coming true. Severus was being asked --no, told-- to leave the only home he'd known. 

Harry glared at Dumbledore. He had thought the matter closed last night. Now he was more determined than ever to take care of Severus. He wouldn't let the honourable man be cast aside, forgotten.

"Severus, dear child," Dumbledore pleaded, sounding sorrowful, "please listen to me. You need help, and Poppy cannot treat you here. St. Mungo's has the best care facilities in the world. Please, Severus, just try it." The old wizard was near to tears and Harry suddenly understood just how scared he was for Severus.

"I'll take care of him," Harry said again. 

Dumbledore gave him a sad look. "No, Harry. It's very kind of you to offer, but you are untrained and you have to finish school. Believe me when I say it is for the best that Severus goes to St. Mungo's. They can give him the care and supervision he needs."

"Please, Albus," his choked sobs were barely audible, "don't send me away. I'm sorry... so sorry..." The Potions master was rocking back and forth, head still bent to his knees, arms tight around his legs in a firm ball. To Harry he looked like a child afraid of being punished and his heart broke for the once proud man.

Harry ran from the room in tears. He couldn't stand to see the once strong man reduced to such utter debasement. He kept running until he reached the lake, ignoring Ron's calls, and dropped himself to the ground and cried until he couldn't cry anymore. It felt to Harry as though he had let the man down, that he hadn't done nearly enough to protect him. For all the times Professor Snape had saved his life, Harry should have been able to do more to help.

Harry didn't react at all when he heard someone approach. He turned away when he felt them settle in the grass next to him, not wanting anyone to see his tears.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Remus Lupin asked softly.

"They're sending him away," Harry's voice hitched on a sob. He couldn't look at Remus. He felt ashamed for his weakness.

"Who's being sent away?"

"Professor Snape." Harry sighed heavily.

"Why? Because of a migraine?" Remus was more than a little shocked and confused. He knew Severus hadn't been feeling well lately, but couldn't understand why Severus would need to be sent away for treatment. Surely Madame Pomfrey could cure him as well as any medi-witch or wizard at St. Mungo's.

"Because..." Harry paused, not wanting to say the words out loud. "Because he's suicidal." He started crying all over again.

Understanding blossomed on Remus' face. Suddenly, it all made sense: the empty looks, the lack of conviction in Severus' voice, and the fact that he no longer snarled or sniped at anyone. Remus remembered that just a few weeks ago Severus had been ill. He remembered how worried and upset Albus had been, but had passed it off as nothing, because the Headmaster has always been very protective of Severus. Perhaps it had been another suicide attempt.

He had never imagined Severus' depression ran so deeply, and he felt a fool for not seeing it himself. He had known Severus for so long that he should have recognized the signs.

Remus moved to sit behind Harry, his arms wrapping around the heaving chest and his legs up on either side of him. He held Harry like that for a long time, neither saying anything, lost in their own thoughts.

Once the young man had calmed down, Remus began talking softly. He told Harry what he had witnessed weeks before and his interpretation of it. He explained to Harry that Albus would never send Severus away if he had another choice. When Harry started to protest saying he would take care of Severus, Remus cut him off. Harry couldn't take care of him. Severus needed to learn to live again and that would take more than Harry to teach.

They continued to talk well into the day. Remus told Harry things he remembered about Severus from their school days. Realizing as he talked that Severus had been depressed even then. Remus had always known that the man had hid behind his severity and sarcasm to avoid showing his true feelings, but really hadn't looked hard enough to see what lay beneath the cold surface.

Harry had noticed though. He told Remus about how he had finally seen through the Potions Master's mask, that he had finally understood Severus Snape wasn't the cold, uncaring man he presented to the world. Harry had seen the invincible man hurt, near to death in the final battle, but still wouldn't give up. He continued to protect Harry no matter the cost to himself. 

He had also seen Severus happy. Severus, for all his outrage and ire, had enjoyed the pranks of the Weasley twins before they had graduated and left Hogwarts. Harry had watched the man for signs of amusement and sure enough, when he thought no one was paying attention to him, he'd allow a small smile to briefly touch his thin lips. Harry had seen the laughter in the man's black eyes as well. Severus would never admit it, Harry knew, but he enjoyed seeing the obscure jokes the twins came up with. Harry was sure Severus even liked some that had been played on him.

Harry and Remus returned to the castle, both feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. Harry returned to his dorm and threw himself onto his bed. He really didn't feel like talking to his friends right then. He curled up and quickly fell asleep.

~*~

Supper in the Great Hall was usually full of noise as the students told each other of their day and making plans for the following. Harry sat between Ron and Hermione, not bothering to join in their conversation. He ignored their concerned look and concentrated on the empty plate in front of him, waiting for the meal to begin.

At the sound of the Headmaster clearing his throat, Harry looked up to the head table. Dumbledore looked old and sad. He had dark circles under his eyes and his usually neat long beard was in tangles as though he hadn't brushed it for days. He watched the old wizard rise unsteadily to his feet to address the school.

"I regret to inform you," he started slowly, calculating each word, "that due to illness, Professor Snape has had to leave Hogwarts for a time. Until a substitute teacher can be found, I will be teaching potions. You will have your classes at the regularly scheduled time. I expect you to conduct yourselves the same with me, or any substitute teacher, the same as you would with Professor Snape. I'm sure you all join me in wishing Severus a speedy recovery. Thank you." 

There was a time when the Hall would have broke out in cheers at the mention of the school's most hated professor having been sent away, now however, there was only silence. Since the end of the war when Severus' part in the victory was revealed, there was a surge of respect and admiration for the man that hadn't been there before. Everyone had noticed the man's failing health as well and there were whispered concerns after every potions class. Their fears for the man had just become a reality. Snape was ill.

Harry refused to look at Ron or Hermione. He didn't want to talk about it anymore. It would only make him cry again and he already felt childish for crying as much as he had in the last two days. Severus was gone and it was very likely that he'd never see the man again. Harry was certain he'd be graduated before they let the man out of the hospital and allowed him to return home. With a heavy sigh, Harry left the Great Hall, never having touched a bite of food.

~*~

Albus shook his head sadly. Poppy had had to sedate Severus in order to transfer him to the Wizarding hospital. Severus had been distraught and refused to surrender. When the calming potion had taken effect, Albus was able to lead the man into his new room at St. Mungo's. He sat on the bed holding Severus, gently rocking him and whispered words of comfort he wasn't sure the man could hear, but needing to say them anyhow.

When he finally rose to leave, a thin hand reached out and gripped him tightly around the wrist. He looked down to see frightened black eyes staring up at him pleadingly.

"Don't go," he begged, his voice not much more than a murmur. "Please don't leave me."

Albus' heart couldn't take any more. He leaned in and whispered into Severus' ear, "I'll be back soon, little one. Very soon." He pulled away, the tears that had been threatening for hours finally spilled over as he closed the door quietly behind him.

Severus was cold. His whole world had just walked out the door, leaving him in an empty void. The one man he had trusted never to leave him had turned his back and left. He was utterly alone now. There was no one to hold him, to comfort him, to tell him everything would be all right. Everything wasn't all right and would never be. He was alone.

He lay back on the cold bed, closing his eyes and let his mind drift away. There was no more reason to stay. Albus had left and Harry had never been there. The war was over so he was no longer needed and, just as Voldemort had promised, Albus had abandoned him as soon as he was finished with him. Severus let all of his emotion drain out of him; there was no reason to hold on to anything. Hope was gone and with it the fear of love. 

~*~

Harry had given it two weeks and still no one had told him anything. When he tried asking Professor McGonagall she had merely told him it was none of his concern. He tried asking Remus and Sirius, but they didn't know anymore than he did. Harry had tried to ask Dumbledore, but the man never seemed to be around anymore since the substitute potions teacher had arrived. The only time Harry saw him was at meals in the Great Hall and he always left before Harry had a chance to approach him.

He was becoming increasingly frustrated and worried. Maybe there was a reason Dumbledore was avoiding him... Maybe something had happened and he didn't want to tell Harry... Maybe Severus had asked that Harry not be told anything... So many possibilities. 

Frustration and worry turned to anger. It was almost three weeks now since Severus had been sent away and Harry still had no idea how the man was fairing. His friends had long since given up trying to comfort him and reassure him. Even his godfather had stopped trying to distract Harry from his worry. The only person Harry could really talk to about it was Remus and he had been busy with preparing end of term exams.

Finally, on the twentieth day of Severus' forced departure, Harry could take no more. He stormed up to the head table, stared hard into Dumbledore's sad eyes and demanded to know what was happening with Professor Snape.

"Come with me, Harry," Dumbledore said as he rose from his seat. He led Harry out of the Great Hall and up the winding staircase to his office. Once inside, he directed Harry to the single soft chair in front of his desk.

"Would you like some tea, Harry?" As Harry shook his head no, Dumbledore raised a small candy dish to him. "Lemon drop?"

"No, thank you," Harry said firmly. He knew Dumbledore was just stalling. It was an old tactic that Harry had gotten to know very well over the years. "Please, sir, I just want to know if Professor Snape is all right."

Dumbledore gave out a long sigh and turned to look out the window. The lines around his eyes were obscured by the darkness circling them. Harry was sure the Headmaster couldn't have been getting much sleep recently.

"Professor Snape is..." Dumbledore hesitated, then started again. "He is... not well. He hasn't spoken a word to anyone since he arrived there. Not even to me. He shies away from my touch as though my hands are fire, burning him. No one can touch him physically and I'm not even sure my words touch his mind anymore." Dumbledore was in tears now.

Harry felt awful for the man. He hadn't realized just how much the old wizard cared about Severus. He knew that Dumbledore was worried, but hadn't considered that he truly loved Severus. It was obvious now.

He thought about everything Dumbledore had said. In the last three weeks Severus hadn't gotten better, he'd gotten worse. He was shoving everyone away, locking himself up against the world. Harry knew that he had been right, that Severus should not have been sent away.

"I want to see him," he said with as much conviction as he could muster. No matter how hard his friends had tried, Harry still felt overwhelming guilt for not doing more, not seeing it sooner, not knowing how to help the saddened man.

"Harry, I really don't think that would be wise right now. Severus just isn't up to company right now."

"I have to try. I owe him that much. Besides, maybe I can reach a part of him that you haven't been able to. Please, Professor, I need him." Harry sighed in frustration and helplessness.

"Yes, of course, it's worth the effort." Dumbledore reached the top drawer of his desk and removed something. Coming around the desk to face Harry as he stood, Dumbledore held out both hands, palms up. Harry saw in one hand a large tarnished key. In the other was a small brass snake, which was coiled tightly in a knot. It was no bigger than a deck of cards. 

Dumbledore mutter a few words to the snake, then held it towards Harry. Harry suddenly realized that Dumbledore was preparing portkeys.

"Put this one in your pocket for later. When you're ready to come home, just say 'Hogwarts is home'." Harry gingerly picked up the brass snake and placed it carefully in his robe pocket. "Are you ready, Harry? Severus is in a room on the fifth floor."

Harry nodded and reached for the large key. He immediately felt the strong pull starting at his stomach and flowing outward over his whole body. Before he could even register the discomfort, it was over. Harry found himself standing outside the abandoned looking building that hid the Wizarding hospital from the Muggles in the middle of the busy London street.

Harry made his way through the hospital to the fifth floor without too much trouble. When he reached the only door in that ward, he paused. He was suddenly terrified of seeing the man he can come to love in the horrific state Dumbledore had described.

Gathering up his courage, Harry pushed open the door and was immediately assailed by loud wailing, banging and shouting. It was nothing like the peaceful, quiet ward he had expected to find Severus in. 

There were wizards and witches of all descriptions hovering around the spacious room. Harry guessed this to be some kind of common room like in his dorm. In one corner of the room, Harry saw a very slight witch talking to what looked to him like a blank wall. She was very animated, as though explaining planets or stars by the way she was gesturing. 

Off to the left side of the room sat several small tables. On two were wizard chessboards, but only one was in use. A very large wizard with white hair and beard, sat across from a much smaller one with equally white hair. Looking closely, the smaller one, for all his white hair, seemed quite young, perhaps even younger than himself. Harry took a guess that the similar features of their faces related them, probably grandfather and grandson.

Harry looked all around the room, but didn't see Severus anywhere. He spotted what appeared to be a medi-witch in a white robe and nursing cap bent over a table talking with a pale man in black robes. He approached her slowly, worried about drawing the attention of one of the wandering patients.

Harry waited patiently for the woman to end her conversation. After several minutes, she straightened up and turned toward him. When she saw Harry standing there, she eyed him suspiciously for a moment.

"Who are you?" she inquired.

"Harry Potter." He was feeling more nervous under her scrutiny than he had when he first entered the ward.

"Are you a patient here?"

"No, ma'am. I'm here to see a patient, though. Severus Snape. Can you tell me where I can find him?" The witch looked very relieved that Harry wasn't a patient that she had forgotten about.

"Snape, you say? Snape..." She seemed to think hard for a moment about the name. Harry was seriously beginning to wonder about the level of care Severus could be getting in this place.

"Norma Jean, take that hat off at once," a very stern looking older witch dressed also in a white robe with a nurse's cap said as she came toward them. "How many times have I told you not to impersonate staff?"

The woman Harry had been speaking with hung her head sheepishly and removed the hat, wringing it tightly in her hands.

"Three hundred seventy one times, including just now," the phony nurse said morosely and wandering away from them toward the two men playing chess.

"Sorry about that," the older woman said. "Norma Jean was once a very good medi-witch and sometimes forgets that she isn't one anymore. Anyhow, how can I help you?" This woman was shorter than Harry, but quite round and jolly looking, pale hair up in a tight bun at the base of her neck.

"I'm looking for Severus Snape. I was told he was on the fifth floor, but I don't see him here," Harry scanned the room once more.

"Oh, yes. Professor Snape is in his room. He hasn't been very sociable. Are you one of his students?"

"Yes. I'm Harry. Harry Potter."

"Well, dear, I'm afraid that Professor Snape isn't taking any visitors right now. He's really not well, you see, and people tend to upset him." She was speaking as though to a young child that couldn't understand why he couldn't play outside during a tornado. This annoyed Harry, but he was also beginning to worry that he wouldn't be allowed to see Severus.

"Please, ma'am, I have to see him. Professor Dumbledore gave me a portkey and everything. I really have to see him, please!" Harry was getting upset. After three weeks without word on the man's condition, then the awful description Dumbledore had given, and now this. He was desperate to see the man. 

The medi-witched sighed. She looked at Harry with compassion and Harry was sure there was sadness there as well.

"All right, Mr. Potter. I'll take you to his room, but if he gets upset, you must leave!" Harry nodded quickly, relieved that he was finally going to see the Potion Master. He followed the woman down a long corridor, past a row of doors that led into small, white rooms, each one identical. Outside of the only closed door she stopped. She knocked twice then opened the door. Harry was thankful to see that it wasn't locked.

"Professor Snape," she said softly, "you have a guest." The respect she was showing for the proud professor gave Harry some small measure of comfort.

Harry stepped around the bulky woman and stopped short. His heart leapt into his throat and fresh tears welled up in his eyes. The air had been sucked from his lungs and was replaced with mud. It wasn't until a gentle hand touched his shoulder that Harry was able to move and breath again. He had expected Severus to be pale and thin, but the sight that greeted him was almost more than he could stand.

Severus sat in the middle of the twin size bed. He was wearing a pair of black shorts that looked dampened by sweat, which was shining on the sides of his face and down his flimsy looking chest. Harry could have counted every bone in his chest and arms. Severus was devastatingly thin, his skin all but translucent and hanging off his body. 

What shocked Harry the most were the haunted black eyes that stared into space. They were empty, void of all feeling and emotion. He didn't look at Harry or the medi-witch, didn't seemed to look at anything at all. The cool obsidian orbs that Harry had loved so much were nothing more than inky black holes set in a ghostly white face.

Harry couldn't stop the flow of tears as he stepped toward the bed. "Oh, Professor, I'm so sorry," he whispered. He pulled the single plush chair from the corner and set it at the side of Severus' bed and sat down. He had completely forgotten about the witch standing behind him until her soft voice reached him.

"Talk softly and don't move suddenly, you'll frighten him. Also, don't try to touch him. He doesn't like physical contact. If you think you'll be all right, I'll leave you."

Harry gave a slow nod, his eyes never leaving Severus' face.

"If you need help, just press the button on the wall beside the bed. If he gets upset, hit the button right away. He has a tendency to hurt himself when he's upset." Harry nodded again before hearing the woman's footsteps retreating from the room, the door closing softly.

For a long time Harry just watched the man, waiting for a sign of life. When Harry's neck was beginning to cramp from lack of movement, he tore his gaze away from the catatonic man and looked around the small room. It smelled clean and fresh as though recently scrubbed. There wasn't the antiseptic smells that were common in Muggle hospitals. It was solid white; just as the other rooms Harry had seen, with the only colour coming from the pale blue comforter on the bed under Severus' still body. 

There was a small table next to the bed and Harry could see a picture on it. When he looked closer at it, he saw that it was a still picture of Hogwarts in a view from across the lake. On the other side of the room was a large dresser. 

There were no windows in this room. Harry thought this might have been done on purpose since Severus was used to not having windows in the dungeons back home. It might be strangely comforting to the often-solitary man.

Harry returned his gaze to the pale face and noticed that the man was looking back at him. At first this made Harry excited. Finally the man was showing signs of life. Harry looked closer, however, and realized there was no look of recognition. Severus seemed not to know who Harry was.

"Hello, Professor," he said quietly. "It's me, Harry. You do know who I am, don't you?"

Harry sighed deeply when he got no response. He could feel his cheeks begin to burn as new tears started behind his eyes. Every thing that was Severus Snape had faded away. There didn't seem to be anything left of the man he had fallen in love with, just an empty shell. He finally understood the look of defeat he had seen on Dumbledore's face over the last few weeks.

"I'm sorry, so very sorry." Harry's heart was breaking more assuredly then anything. It was over and Voldemort had won. He had claimed his final victory just as he said he would. As the final battle was winding down, Voldemort had promised that he would take Harry's heart with him, and now he was doing just that.

_Severus was motionless within himself. He recognized that someone was there talking to him, but was unwilling to look closer. He didn't want company. He was abandoned, as was proper for him. All his life, he was told by one person or another that he was worthless, unimportant. That certainly couldn't have changed now that his spying skills were no longer required._

Remembering the medi-witch's words, but not caring, Harry slowly reached out for Severus' hand. At first, nothing happened. Harry felt light, icy fingers in his palm, the softness of the skin surprising him. For several moments, he just lightly held the hand, stroking it gently. He stared down at it, not daring to look into the empty eyes again. 

_Severus could feel the touch. At first it was comforting. Someone cared enough to hold his hand. It felt... good, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. After a moment, however, Severus remembered that he was abandoned. Albus didn't care anymore and if he didn't, who else was there? He didn't deserve someone's love or attention._

Suddenly, Severus started shaking violently. When Harry looked up, he saw wide, frightened eyes looking directly at him. He quickly let go of his hand and pushed his chair away from the bed. Severus was panting, but still hadn't made a sound.

"I'm sure Madame Rosella told you not to touch him," a cold voice startled Harry. He hadn't heard the door open. When he turned around, he saw a young man, not much older than himself, wearing a white t-shirt and black drawstring pants. He had short blonde hair and brilliant blue-green eyes.

"He doesn't like to be touched, you know." The young man was glaring angrily at Harry. All Harry could do was begin to cry again. He wanted to touch his professor. He wanted to gather the broken man in his arms and rock him gently, telling him that he was there, that Severus wasn't alone anymore.

_Severus listened quietly as the two men talked to each other. He was relieved that the first man was no longer addressing him. It was sad to see the man so obviously upset, but couldn't fathom the reason for it, after all, HE wasn't locked up anywhere and Severus was sure that a man as handsome as he, couldn't possibly be alone._

"He's not dead, you know." The blonde's voice had softened. "You can talk to him, just don't touch him. He likes to listen. He doesn't show it, but he does. If he didn't, you'd know, just like with touching. By the way, my name's Toby."

"I'm Harry," he managed to say levelly even though he felt like he was standing on a boat in the middle of a great storm. He was starting to feel ill from his stomach being in a tight knot for the last couple of weeks.

_Harry? Something about that name was familiar to Severus. He wanted to look closer at the man but didn't dare. Every time he looked at someone or tried to speak, he was reminded of his father telling him to be silent and that he was too ugly to set his gaze upon anyone._

"Harry?" Toby asked. "As in Harry Potter?" 

"Yes."

Toby pink lips spread into a big smile. "Wonderful!"

Harry was confused by the reaction. He was used to his ill-be-gotten fame, but somehow this sounded different.

"Why is it wonderful?" he asked as he wiped his sleeve under his running nose and sniffing loudly. He suddenly felt like a four year old, unable to control his emotions.

"Because," Toby looked smug, "Sev's been dreaming about you."

Harry's eyes popped out wide, and his jaw dropped. If he hadn't been so shocked, Harry was sure he would have blushed, too. He pointedly ignored how the stranger shortened Severus' name, like an old friend.

"He... he has?"

"Yep. He has." Toby stepped farther into the room and settled himself on a corner of Severus' bed, careful not to actually touch the man. "He hasn't talked to anyone since he was left here, but he talks in his sleep sometimes. I'm in the room next door," he gestured with his thumb over his shoulder to the wall behind him. "The walls are pretty thin and sometimes the nurses forget to put up silencing charms between the rooms."

_Yes, Severus dreamed. He dreamed of a young man with emerald eyes and wild hair. He had nightmares, too. A man that was more snake than human often invaded his dreams and took the striking young man away from him. He also had nightmares about an old man with long white hair and beard locking him in a box and shoving it into the darkest corner of the world. He dreamed of his father, too. Beating a young Severus till he bled everywhere. When he was finished, Severus would be tossed into the small pond behind his house. He would wake up in a cold sweat, feeling like he had just dragged himself out of the cold water._

Harry was in shock. He didn't know what to say. Somehow, knowing Severus was dreaming about him gave him some small hope that maybe somehow, he could come back to Harry.

"Of course," the young man continued, "Sev dreams about a lot of things. Stuff like Voldemort and the battle. Mostly he dreams about that. But sometimes he dreams about Albus, not a very good fellow from the sound of it, and about you. He loves you, you know."

Harry was indignant about the comment about Albus Dumbledore, but that was forgotten quickly when Toby told him that Severus loved him. His eyes lit up like a tree on Christmas Eve.

"You think he loves me?" Harry asked uncertainly. He wouldn't let his hopes reach too far.

_Severus loved someone? That could not be right. He had never been loved, so how could he love someone else? And yet, the green eyed man from his dreams flashed in front of him. Could he love? Was he capable of loving someone? His mind was dying to reach out and ask the two men what they were talking about, but couldn't form the words and the one with blond hair scared him._

"Well, sure he does. Didn't you know that?"

"No, not really. He said it once, but he wasn't exactly in a clear state of mind at the time." Harry remembered the night he had rescued Severus from himself. He had drunk a strong poison and Harry had had to administer the antidote. It was then that Severus had told Harry that he loved him. Harry never had a chance to talk to the older man about it.

The young blonde smiled at Harry. "Well, he does. Seems pretty obvious to me that you love him, too. I suppose that you never told him, though, did you?"

Harry shook his head gravely. He was watching Severus to see if the man reacted at all to what they were talking about. The wizard seemed completely oblivious, however, staring into the space beyond where Harry sat.

"People really need to learn how to say it more. It is the three most important words in the English language, after all!" He sounded exasperated. "I don't know why it's so tough to say. I mean, it's JUST three words! It's not like you have to have a dictionary or translator or anything." A soft chime interrupted him.

"Oh, gotta go. Bedtime and all. It was nice meeting you, Harry. You'll be back soon, yes?"

"Yes, I'll be back as soon and as often as I can. Thank you, Toby."

"Hey, no problem. Just remember not to touch him again, ok? I really can't stand his screaming, which he was about to do when I came in." He gave Harry a warm smile and a wave as he let himself out of the room.

Harry stood and looked back at Severus, smiling softly. Despite the warning, Harry leaned down and placed a quick kiss on his forehead. There was no reaction at all, which again, gave Harry just a bit of hope.

"I'll be back soon, love. I promise. I know there has been heartache and pain, but when it's over, you'll breath again. You're not alone, Severus. Never alone."

_Never alone? Was it possible? No, his father's voice told him, it wasn't possible. He wasn't worthy of anyone's concern or affection. Albus had reminded him of that when he cast Severus out of Hogwarts and left him alone to die in a cold white room with no windows to the outside world. In spite of the kind words he had heard the handsome young man say, he was alone._

As Harry silently walked out the door, Severus curled in on himself, pulling into a tight ball. A tear slid down his pale face. His head began to throb as he finally allowed his mind to drift into nothingness once again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with some very dark subjects. Mentions of past child abuse, incest, and rape. It also has a graphic rape/non-con scene.

Harry had been visiting almost every day for the last three weeks. The medi-witches all knew him as did most of the patients. He spent hours with Severus in his room. Severus still wouldn't talk to him, but he would sit quietly watching, while Harry told him everything that was happening back at Hogwarts. Harry would tell Severus how his classes were going, what the new Potions teacher was like. Harry wasn't sure if Severus was listening to him, but he'd talk anyhow. Maybe eventually the man would find something interesting enough to respond to. 

Several evenings when Harry came to visit, Severus was sleeping already so he would just sit by the man's bed. Harry watched as he slept. He could see when Severus was dreaming, his eyes twitched constantly and sometimes he would cry. Severus also had a tendency to talk in his sleep just as Toby had said. 

At first Harry found this very disturbing and unnerving. From what the troubled man said in his sleep, Harry finally started to understand the depression plaguing him. Severus talked about the abuse his father put him through, as well as what he had suffered at the hands of other men, such as Lucius Malfoy. Harry cried after leaving on nights like that. He didn't think he could possibly have survived as long as Severus had through all of that pain.

Through Severus' dreams, Harry heard of such tortures he'd never imagined possible. Harry had always felt a little sorry for himself for the poor childhood he had experienced, but was beginning to realize what true paradise it was compared to what other's had lived through.

Some nights when Severus cried, Harry would snuggle into the bed with him and just hold him. At those times, Severus never shied away from his touch and, Harry was quite certain, was even grateful for it. Even if he woke up in Harry's arms, he didn't panic, he merely pushed Harry back and rolled away from him.

Some times Toby would come in and he and Harry would talk endlessly. Harry was really beginning to like Toby. Harry never asked why Toby was there, even though he was very curious. He just didn't seem to belong there. Harry couldn't see anything at all wrong with the young man even if he did tend to anger easily. 

Harry noticed how Severus' breathing increased and he sweated more when the other man was in the room, but he just thought that was because Severus didn't know Toby.

At school, Harry rushed through his days, barely talking to his friends. He was always in a hurry to finish homework so that he could get back to St. Mungo's and his precious Potions Master. After a while, Harry began to think maybe he was wanting to get back to Toby as well. As much as he looked forward to spending time with Severus, he looked forward to talking with Toby too.

One evening, while Severus was sleeping quietly for a change, Harry sat close to Toby, the two young men talking softly. They were talking about Quidditch and what teams Harry had been offered a position with after graduation. Harry had been about to turn them down flat when Ron and Hermione convinced him to at least think about it. Even Hermione had agreed that it was a great opportunity for Harry to see the Wizarding world before settling into a lifelong career. 

Toby agreed with Harry's other friends, which made Harry smile. He knew that Toby would have fit in with his circle of friends easily if he had attended Hogwarts. He was very smart, which would have won him over with Hermione, but also knew how to have fun, which would have gained him a lot of points with Ron.

Harry was so engrossed in the conversation that he didn't immediately notice the warm hand that had made its way onto his leg and was rubbing in soft circles over his thigh. He didn't notice anything until the hand suddenly dipped lower and brushed over his crotch. He gasped in surprise and looked down. As he raise his head to look at Toby, he was shocked again at the soft lips that pressed against his. 

When he regained his wits enough to react, a strong hand was on his neck, holding him firmly in place. Harry felt a warm wet tongue run across his lips then tried to push between his tightly clenched teeth. Harry didn't know how to react. He liked Toby a lot, but wasn't prepared for this. He placed his hands on Toby's chest and firmly pushed him back, gasping for air as the kiss was broken.

"Toby, please..." Harry didn't know what he was asking.

"Come on, Harry. Let me fuck you," Toby said bluntly. Harry was taken back by the abruptness of the young man.

"No, Toby," he said firmly. "I think I should go now." Harry was suddenly very nervous and didn't know why. He liked Toby, he even kind of liked the idea of sex with Toby, but the tone Toby used scared him. He stood to leave, but was stopped by Toby's hand grabbing his wrist in a painful grip.

"Not yet. I want you and you want me, too." Toby's voice was very demanding. "I know you love him, but he's nothing. He's not even really alive. I can do so much more for you." 

Harry instinctively stepped back as much as he could. He looked into the usually laughing blue-green eyes and saw only cold malice. Harry quickly pulled his wand from his robe pocket and pointed it directly at the young man's chest.

"Let me go, Toby." Harry said as firmly as his fear would allow. Toby did as he was told and stepped away from him.

"Come on, Harry. No need to get upset. You only had to say no." Toby spoke lightly but his eyes were still flashing with a dangerous light. "Maybe another time, then. Goodnight, Harry." Toby gave his most charming smile as he left the room.

Harry heaved a sigh of relief as he sat back down next to Severus' bed. He ran a shaking hand through his hair as he looked at the prone man. He was startled to see the cool black eyes fixed on him.

"Well, that was something, wasn't it?" Harry asked, not expecting, nor receiving, an answer. "Are you really not quite living, Professor?" he said sadly. "I miss you, even if you don't believe it." 

Harry sighed again. He reached out to pat the hand laying next to the man's head, but it was pulled back sharply. Harry was surprised as Severus had never before pulled away before the touch could happen. Harry believed this was a good sign, meaning perhaps the man was becoming more lucid. Harry gave him a warm smile.

"Goodnight, Professor. See you tomorrow. Don't forget, tomorrow is Saturday so I'll be here early."

Harry left the room feeling elated, the scene with Toby already forgotten. He never saw the dark shadow at the end of the hall watching him with a look of pure hatred as he left. He never saw the shadow creep back into Severus' room, nor did anyone hear the whispered cries of despair and pain.

~*~*~

Severus Snape had been listening, as he always did when Harry was present. So many times he wanted to interrupt. He wanted to warn Harry about the man sitting next to him. He was scared, though. He still felt the pain from the last time he had tried to speak to Toby, to tell him to stop.

Severus saw Toby kiss Harry. His Harry. He wanted to scream at Toby, to make him not hurt Harry, but he couldn't. He couldn't do anything. Severus was relieved when Harry pushed Toby away. Maybe Harry would be strong enough to not get hurt the way he had been. He heard what Toby said. Severus wasn't really alive and Harry loved him. Severus wanted to live, but he couldn't make his mind and body obey.

He watched Toby leave, knowing he'd be back later in the night. He watched Harry intently as the young wizard collected himself and sat down. Severus saw Harry's hand reaching out to him and instinctively pulled away. Touching hurt too much. Severus knew it was only a mental pain, but he couldn't help himself.

Harry missed him. Severus gave a mental sigh. He missed Harry, too. He missed seeing him happy and joking with his friends, seeing him looking with such one-tracked concentration at his school work, watching him eating a good meal in the Great Hall. It was all the little things Severus missed, but mostly, he missed his life.

The smile Harry gave Severus as he left was warming. Severus could almost feel himself returning it until the door closed. Suddenly he was afraid again. It was night and that meant his captor would be returning soon. Even as he thought this, the door opened again to an angry looking Toby. Severus began to shudder and shake, his eyes filling with tears. He couldn't move, he was trapped and there was nothing he could do. Even his own voice betrayed him, not allowing him to scream for Harry to come back; to save him.

Severus let his mind drift as he felt the blanket pulled roughly out from around his thin frame. He refused to feel the hands pulling his pajama bottoms off and turning him onto his stomach. He shut his mind to the man that pulled him to his knees and thrust into him hard. He couldn't, however, block out the searing pain that ripped into him as he was penetrated dry. The tears that had welled up, spilled out as his mouth opened in a silent scream. As the pain coursed through his body, Severus' mind was finally able to slip away, back into the darkest corners it could find.

Peace, however, was not to be found. Severus was being drowned in memories of other pain from other men. The first memory was of his father. He was 10 years old at the time. His mother had passed away two years previously and he was left to defend himself against the man who had never wanted him. His father had decided the day Severus' mother had died that Severus would take her place in his bed. He wouldn't be bothered to try to find another lover or wife.

It hadn't been all bad. At first the man was rather tender with his son. Severus had even enjoyed some of it. Over the last couple of years, things had changed, however. This particular memory stood out in Severus' tortured mind because of the pain and the repercussions it had on the rest of his life.

His father had had a bad day and was taking it out on young Severus. He had raped the boy senseless and then beat him. For added pleasure, he decided that his son should have to deal with the pain instead of allowing the pathetic house-elves to give the boy pain numbing potions too soon. 

Master Snape, being a dark wizard of substantial power, hit his ten year old son with a curse that would not be detected and therefore, could not easily be removed. It would turn any pain numbing potion or spell against him, making Severus very ill and even increasing the pain. Severus had been in so much pain already, that he hadn't even noticed that a curse had been used. It was only now that he realized one had been used at all.

As Toby continued his assault, Severus' mind shifted. This time he was 15. His father had finally grown tired of him and had given him to a long time friend as a gift. Old Master Malfoy, having no need of a boy, preferring girls, gave Severus to his only son. 

Lucius had been thrilled to have his own personal servant while at school, but was not happy to be denied access to his toy after he had graduated. He took his frustrations out on Severus any chance he got. This particular memory was of Lucius sitting back while his friends all took turns brutally raping and beating Severus during a Hogsmeade weekend. That had become one of Lucius' favorite tortures as it not only cause Severus great pain, but humiliation as well.

Severus was barely able to register that Toby had finished with him and was leaving the room. He heard a voice, but couldn't make out the words. Severus screamed within his mind before succumbing to the darkness.

~*~*~

The next time Severus woke fully, Harry Potter was once again sitting next to him. Severus wanted to weep with relief, but wasn't able to do more then look at the youth. He trusted Harry. He knew Harry would never hurt him, never use him. 

He had trusted Albus Dumbledore too, but the old fool had dropped Severus as fast as he could when Severus was no longer needed. Given him away to another captor the same way his father had. He should have known better. Albus had always been like a father to him, so why wouldn't he do what Severus' father had done? True, Albus had never raped Severus, but he had used him in other ways.

Severus tried to push the thoughts away as he looked at Harry. Somehow, Severus knew Harry was different. He shifted on the bed and felt his throat give an auditory groan as the pain from his captor renewed itself.

~*~*~

Harry lifted his head from his book when he heard Severus. He looked at Severus curiously, noticing the pained look on the man's face and in his eyes.

"Severus?" he asked. "What's wrong? Are you in pain?"

It looked for a moment as though his teacher was going to respond, but then the lips closed tightly again with a wince. Harry was sure now. He had thought that Severus had been in pain at other times, but the medi-witches had assured him that Severus was fine physically, even though he wouldn’t let anyone near enough to examine him.

Harry reached out and pulled the blanket down to Severus' waist to get a look at the slim man. Severus didn't react as Harry touched him gently, looking for anything that might be causing pain. All the while, Harry was whispering softly, telling Severus that he wasn't going to hurt him, he just wanted to help. Harry believed that Severus understood what was said, as he didn't protest in anyway like he would have in the first week Harry started visiting.

Harry was about to lower the blanket farther when he heard the door open behind him. He turned to see Toby standing in the door way looking menacing.

"What the hell are you doing?" Toby asked icily. "I told you before, he doesn't like to be touched!"

As Harry began pulling his hands away, glaring at Toby, Severus gave a shrill cry.

"Look what you did! Get away from him before you scare him to death!" 

Toby shoved Harry away from the now screaming man. He put his hands on Severus' chest and leaned in to whisper in his ear. Harry didn't hear what was said, but Severus stopped yelling as suddenly as he had started. 

Harry could still see the panic in the man's black eyes. He hung his head sadly, guilt weighing him down heavily. Toby was right. Harry should never have touched Severus like that. He had scared the man into a state of panic. He sat down and buried his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Harry," Toby said, laying a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. What were you doing, though? You know you can't touch him."

"I thought he was in pain. I was just trying to find out what it was," Harry said dejectedly. "I didn't mean to scare him. I just wanted to help."

Toby was crouched in front of Harry, his hand moved from Harry's shoulder to cup his chin and raised it up to look him in the eye. The cold malice from two nights ago was gone, leaving only concern. Harry was once again drawn to the handsome youth.

"I'm sorry, Harry," Toby repeated. "I'm sorry for scaring you the other night and for being so pushy. I just haven't felt like this for anyone in a long time. And, I'm sorry for yelling at you now. I know you care about him very much, I just don't like seeing him scared like that. I have to keep telling the medi's to leave him alone, too," he laughed.

Harry gave in to the charm and finally smiled. He really did like Toby and he could understand the man's need from a couple of nights ago. Harry realized that Toby hadn't meant to be so rough and demanding. 

This time when Toby leaned in to kiss Harry, he didn't pull away, nor was he forced into the kiss. When Severus started screaming again, however, he pulled back fast, staring at Severus inquisitively. Toby quickly turned to the patient and whispered into his ear again. This time Severus would not be calmed, though.

Within moments, two medi-wizards and one medi-witch entered the room and hustled the men out. Harry could hear them talking to Severus, but couldn't make out the words. He was confused. No one was touching Severus when he started screaming again. Harry thought hard about the whole scene and realized that Severus hadn't screamed when Harry was touching him, he only started yelling when Toby had entered the room. Also, he started screaming the second time when Toby had kissed Harry. Harry knew it didn't make sense, but he was getting a strong feeling that Severus didn't like Toby, regardless of the fact that it was Toby who had quieted the panicking man the first time.

Harry waited outside the room until the medi-witch came out. She couldn't tell Harry what had happened, only that he should probably leave. Severus would be sleeping for several hours at least. Harry hung his head and said goodbye to Toby and returned to school.

 

 

Entering the Gryffindor common room, Harry threw himself into a vacant chair in front of the fire to think. He replayed the afternoon over and over in his mind. He knew Severus loved him. The Potions master had said so himself the night he took the Deathweed poison. Harry also knew that Severus' screaming the second time must have been out of jealousy from seeing Harry and Toby kissing. Again, he had some hope for Severus coming around.

What had Harry confused was Severus' reaction to Toby entering the room. He was sure that it wasn't his touch that had set the man off. He had touched Severus several times before over the last few weeks without such a reaction. He had even laid next to him in the little bed. At most, Severus would just pull away from him. He had never shrieked in sheer terror before.

As Hermione and Ron entered the common room with their books, Harry suddenly remembered that his own school books were still sitting in Severus' room at St. Mungo's. With a muttered curse, Harry left the common room, telling his friends he'd be back shortly. He would need those books for class in the morning, it couldn't wait regardless of the fact that the medi-witch had said not to visit again that night.

 

 

Approaching Severus' door, Harry could hear a voice. He thought for a moment that Dumbledore was in with Severus, though he usually visited in the morning, not late evening. By this time, most of the patients had already been settled into their beds. Harry was so distracted by his thoughts, that he automatically opened the door without knocking. He was about to apologize to whoever was in there with Severus, when he was stopped dead in his tracks by the sight that met him.

Severus was on his back, his face towards Harry, legs pressed to his naked chest. Harry looked up in horror at Toby who was kneeling behind Severus, grunting as he thrust hard into the upturned arse. Harry could see blood trickling down Severus' buttocks and a small pool was evident on the white sheets. 

Harry looked into Severus' eyes and saw... nothing. His precious teacher was completely blank, void of anything. It took Harry a moment to collect himself, before he could react. Toby, noticing his audience turned to him with an evil grin.

"Harry! How nice of you to join us. You can take a turn in a moment." Toby was laughing. "Sev has an awesome arse... but then, you probably knew that already."

Harry could feel the rage burning in his chest as he pulled his wand from his robe. Never had he wanted to kill someone as much as he wanted to kill Toby now for violating Severus. He saw how violently Toby was now penetrating the catatonic man and was about to utter the Avada Kedavra curse, when Severus suddenly cried out, his eyes fixed on Harry.

"Stupify!" Harry yelled loud enough for the curse to echo through the halls of the quiet hospital. He watched as Toby fell forward onto Severus' chest. 

As medi-witches and wizards rushed into the room, Harry ran to Severus' bedside. He gently pulled Toby's prone body off and dumped him onto the floor. Severus had stopped screaming by now and watched Harry through tear filled eyes. Harry whispered softly to him, his voice shaking as much as his hands as he wrapped a blanket around Severus' battered body.

Ignoring the staff completely, Harry picked Severus up and started for the door. He only stopped long enough to warn the medi-wizard blocking his way to move before Harry used his wand again, his eyes flashing dangerously. Harry proceeded to carry Severus through the hospital, not caring about the protests from the staff, until he reached a spot where he could use his portkey. They were transported back to Dumbledore's office.

~*~*~

Breathing hard and still filled with anger, all Harry could do was growl at the headmaster to get out of his way. He allowed Dumbledore to follow him through the corridors towards the dungeons. 

They were half way to Severus' chambers when Sirius yelled to Harry in surprise. He gave Dumbledore a questioning glance then looked back to his godson. Harry was very pale and seemed ready to collapse. Sirius was extremely curious about why Harry was carrying Snape, who looked a lot worse than Harry, but knew this wasn't the time for questions.

"Harry, give him to me," Sirius nodded towards Snape. He was surprised when Harry actually let him take hold of the injured man. He was even more surprised by the blood he saw on Harry's robe as he lifted Snape away from him. He looked down in horror at his former colleague. He turned to take his burden to the infirmary. 

"No!" Harry called out. "Take him to his rooms."

"Harry, Snape needs medical care. He needs to be in a hospital."

"He got those injuries in a hospital!" Harry growled. He was becoming angry again, his eyes flashing dangerously. Sirius just shook his head and sighed, moving towards the stairs leading into the dungeons.

As Harry started coming down from his adrenaline high, he began to shake and felt weak in the knees. He was very grateful for Sirius' timing and for offering to take Severus. As they walked, Harry felt a hand rest lightly on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw Dumbledore's sad eyes watching him.

Again, Harry felt guilty for how he had treated Dumbledore over the last several weeks about Severus. Harry had been cold and distant with him. He blamed Professor Dumbledore for sending Severus away. He wanted to blame him now for the pain Severus was in, but looking at the devastation in the man's face, Harry couldn't blame him at all.

Being so late in the evening, the halls were bare of students and even most of the ghosts had settled for the night. As they reached the lower levels, however, Sirius was stopped by Peeves blocking the way. He hated the feeling one got from walking through a ghost so he growled at the prankster to get out of the way.

Peeves was staring at Severus, his eyes wide in fear. "What's happened to my poor Sevvie?" he asked in a high-pitched squeal.

"Well, obviously he's been hurt! Now, get out of the bloody way so we can get him to his chambers!" Sirius snapped irritably. Everyone knew the high-spirited poltergeist liked the snarky Potions Master. It was obvious by the way he constantly hovered near Severus, always trying to joke with him, to make him smile. It was never understood why Severus tolerated him, but he did.

Peeves reached out as if to touch Severus' face. Harry had never seen a ghost go pale before, but he was sure Peeves had done just that. Peeves backed slowly to the wall, his vacant eyes never leaving Severus' white face. Harry believed the un-dead man was on the verge of tears. As Peeves got out of the way, Sirius hiked Severus more firmly into his grasp and moved on.

As they reached the door to Severus' personal chambers, Dumbledore stepped up and waved his wand. The door opened with a squeak and sizzle of lowering wards. Sirius headed straight for Severus' bedroom with Harry right behind. When Dumbledore reached for the floo powder, a small fire starting in the large fireplace, Sirius called over his shoulder.

"Get Remy down here, too."

Dumbledore nodded and called for Madame Pomfrey, the school's medi-witch, then woke Sirius' lover, Remus. That done, he entered the bedroom to see if there was anything he could do.

Sirius had placed Severus on the large bed and was proceeding to unwrap him from the blood stained sheet as gently as he could. Harry had thought Severus was unconscious the whole time, but now he could see the empty cobalt eyes staring straight forward. He stepped up to the bed and tenderly touched a cold cheek. Harry sighed softly, closing his eyes, as he felt tears slide down his own heated cheeks.

Sirius had just managed to get Severus untangled when he heard a gasp from the doorway. He looked up and saw Madame Pomfrey with her hand over her mouth and tears in her shocked eyes. He turned back to Severus, shaking his head sadly. It was perfectly clear what had been done to him. There was a lot of blood leaking down from between his legs, and finger shaped bruises on his hips and throat. While he had never particularly liked Severus, he certainly didn't hate the man the way everyone thought. Seeing him like this nearly broke Sirius' heart. No one should ever be violated in such a way.

As Pomfrey approached the bed, Sirius stepped back to let her work. He felt warm arms wrap around his chest. He closed his eyes and leaned into his lover's embrace, his fingers gripping Remus Lupin's arms tightly. He couldn't see Remus' face, but could feel the racing heart beating against his back. He knew Remus would be as shaken, if not more so, by Severus' appearance as he was. Remus and Severus had had a tentative friendship for several years already. Not particularly close, but enough to have made Sirius jealous on occasion. 

Severus was gently rolled onto his back, revealing more bruises that seemed to be older as they were beginning to heal already. Pomfrey didn't say a word as she slowly drew her wand over the still body. As if feeling the weight of four pairs of eyes on her, she slowly turned to the captivated audience and addressed them.

"I don't think it's appropriate for everyone to be in here watching. Get out!" Pomfrey knew Severus would not like being the centre of attention like this, nor was she comfortable being watched.

"I'm not leaving him," Harry whispered with defiance. Pomfrey's eyes soften briefly as she nodded.

"We'll wait in the other room," Remus said as he steered a reluctant Sirius towards the door. Dumbledore merely followed silently.

The three men sat silently waiting, each lost in his own thoughts. Dumbledore sat in one of the two large armchairs in front of the fireplace, staring into the flickering flames. Remus was on the sofa with Sirius, his head in Sirius' lap. Sirius was lazily stroking the hair off Remus' forehead, lulling him to sleep. Remus bolted upright at the soft sound of the bedroom door closing behind Madame Pomfrey.

"They're both asleep," she said quietly to the inquiring faces. Pomfrey held her hand up to stop the flow of questions she could see coming. Remus steered her over to the couch and sat her down. Exhaustion was clear in her eyes. She took a deep, calming breath before talking.

"Severus was sexually assaulted as I'm sure you've all guessed. It wasn't just tonight, either, judging by the scarring and bruises. It appears that whoever was doing it was trying to heal him with mild first-aid spells, presumably to hide the fact." Pomfrey took another steadying breath.

"The physical damage is relatively minor. He'll heal well enough. It's the emotional impact that has me worried. He wasn't well to begin with, and I'm afraid this will set him so much farther back."

Only now did Dumbledore speak, his voice weighed down by guilt and sorrow. "I never should have sent him away. This is my fault entirely." He turned his back to the room as his shoulders heaved in silent sobs.

Remus walked up to him and took him into a tight embrace, letting the old wizard finally release himself to the tears and pain he'd been feeling for months. He held on firmly as his mentor and friend leaned weakly into him, his hands rubbing soothing circles over Dumbledore's back. They stood like that for several minutes until Sirius finally broke the strained silence.

"What about Harry? Is he okay?"

Madame Pomfrey nodded. "Yes, Mr. Potter will be fine. He's obviously quite shaken by the incident, but he's sleeping without aid. He'll probably have more nightmares, but those should fade in time."

"Ok," Sirius said, "then what are we to do about Severus? Does he stay here now, or do we find somewhere else for him?"

Remus settled Dumbledore back into the chair, but stayed standing by his side. He looked at Sirius sadly, not knowing what to do.

"I won't send him away again," Dumbledore stated with so much conviction, no one was about to argue. "I'll take care of him right here."

"You can't, Albus. You have no more time to devote to Severus than I have," said Pomfrey with as much conviction. Albus Dumbledore was old and feeling it. She knew he couldn't possibly give Severus the care he would need, no matter how much he wanted to.

"We'll do it," Sirius volunteered. "If Remy agrees, we'll move into the dungeons with Snape. We can take turns watching over him, and Harry and Albus can be here whenever they like. You can even find a replacement for one of us and we can share the position that's left. And, when he’s ready, we can have a councilor, or whatever, come in once a week.

Remus beamed with pride at his lover. He walked over to Sirius and gave him a big kiss. "That's a fantastic idea, sweetheart. I agree completely!"

Dumbledore and Pomfrey nodded in agreement as well. "Good. I'll go over some of the things you'll need to know, tomorrow. For now, everyone go get some rest. I'll stay here tonight," Pomfrey said as she ushered the men out the door.

~*~*~

Harry rose slowly from sleep. He was disoriented at first, his mind swimming through a dense fog. He could tell without opening his eyes that he wasn't in Gryffindor Tower or his room at the Dursley's, the bed he was in was far too soft. He sniffed the air, but it was much different than the infirmary as there wasn't the familiar scent of healing and cleaning potions. The air smelled... different... strangely familiar, but he couldn't place it.

Finally, Harry gave in to wakefulness and opened his eyes. The room was dim, lit only by a small fire in the corner. His blurred vision was just able to make out a tiny table next to the bed. He squinted at it and noticed his glasses neatly set on top. As he reached for them, sitting up, Harry was startled by movement beside him on the bed. He grabbed his glasses, putting them in place as he turned to see who was next to him.

Harry looked into Severus Snape's pale face and shuddered as the memories of the previous night came flooding back. His eyes began to sting and water as he reached out and touched Severus' white cheeks. Suddenly the anger stampeded back in, filling Harry with a rage that nearly blinded him with its intensity. Harry had never felt such hatred, even for Voldemort, as he was feeling for Toby right now. Looking at Severus' pained face, Harry regretted not using the Avada Kedavra curse when he had the chance.

Harry's heart was racing as though he had just played the toughest Quidditch game of his life, but felt it stop completely as Severus' eyes fluttered open and looked at him. For the briefest moment, Harry thought Severus was really seeing him, then Severus' eyes went blank again and Harry could see there was no recognition in them. Harry sighed heavily.

"Good morning, Professor," he said as he pulled his hand back from the man's face.

"Good morning, Harry." 

Harry nearly jumped out of his skin before he realized the greeting had come from the doorway. Harry looked up at his godfather with his hand over his heart.

"Bloody hell, Siri! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

"Sorry, Harry. I brought you some tea." Sirius set the tray he was carrying on the little table next to Harry's side of the large bed. He pulled up a chair and sat watching Harry closely. The lines of worry were etched deeply on Harry's young face. 

Harry absently took the cup of tea and sandwich Sirius offered him, his eyes never leaving Severus' face. Sirius could see that Harry had been crying and was close to doing so again. He wanted desperately to comfort the young man, but didn't know how.

"Are they going to send him away again?" Harry asked so softly, it took Sirius' well trained ears to catch.

"No, Harry. Severus is staying right here." Sirius smiled at Harry's confused look. "It was decided last night. Remus is in our rooms packing right now. He and I are going to move into the dungeon to take care of him. You can visit whenever you like."

Harry threw himself into Sirius' startled arms. Sirius could feel him sobbing with relief as he patted Harry's back soothingly. He held on tight as his godson released all his pent up tension. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Severus watching them and wondered just how catatonic the man really was. Maybe Harry would be able to draw the terrified man out of this state, after all.

 

~*~*~

 

In the weeks following Severus Snape's return to Hogwarts, very little had changed. He was still catatonic, refusing to acknowledge anyone's presence. Harry Potter still visited him daily, as did Albus Dumbledore, and Remus Lupin and Sirius Black remained at Severus' side where they had stationed themselves. Everyone refused to give up on the man they knew was still inside.

It was now just two weeks until Harry's graduation. He had accepted an apprenticeship to the Defense Against the Dark Arts. That was what Harry had wanted for a long time and the fact that it would keep him at Hogwarts for at least a couple more years, only made it that much more appealing. In just two years, he would be able to take his masters exam and become a teacher. Harry wouldn't have to leave his precious Potions Master.

Harry's dreams of late had taken an interesting turn. His usual nightmares were being replaced by something much more exotic and erotic. For over a week, Harry was dreaming about being with Severus on a beautiful island. It was calm and serene. There was no danger there, only a sense of pure love and happiness, and always, Severus was there beside him, a gentle smile lighting his tanned face.

Harry would wake slowly from these dreams and turn over to see Severus looking at him. No one had questioned it when Harry started sleeping next to Severus. It seemed a natural thing to everyone. After all, Harry was the only one that was able to touch Severus. It was left to Harry to attend to Severus' physical needs, giving him sponge baths and the like. Harry certainly didn't mind. It made him feel useful and gave him hope every time Severus didn't object to his touch.

Severus' own dreams seemed to have calmed down since leaving St. Mungo's, as well. He no longer thrashed about on the bed, nor was he talking in his sleep. Harry took this as a positive sign. He knew sending Severus to the wizard hospital was a bad idea, but he hadn't realized just how much worse it had made him.

While Severus wasn't exactly alert, Harry had seen him on several occasions quietly observing the goings on around him. Harry was certain, too, that Severus was listening intently while Harry told him about his island dreams. Harry wished desperately that the man would give him some sort of sign that he was *really* listening, but he just watched Harry with his cool dark eyes.

Harry had quit the Quidditch team when Severus had first gotten ill. Harry wanted to be with the Potions Master as much as possible so he didn't have time for the team. He hadn't really missed it, but now that Severus was back at Hogwarts, Harry found himself restless and needing something to do. 

Ron and Ginny wanted to practice before the final game of Ron's Hogwarts career and they invited Harry to join them. Harry was grateful for the distraction. He'd been worrying about Severus, and his NEWTs, so much that he'd almost forgotten how to have fun. It wasn't until he was knocked off his broom by a well aimed Bludger from Ron, that Harry remembered how dangerous the game could be, as well as fun. 

Sirius, who had been watching the practice, ran to Harry's side. He quickly checked Harry over and discovered that Harry's left leg was broken and it appeared that he had a mild concussion. The young wizard was dazed, but conscious. Shaking his head, Sirius picked him up and headed towards the castle, followed closely by Ron and Ginny.

"Ginny," Sirius said, "would you go get Madame Pomfrey and have her meet us in the dungeons, please?" The 16 year old girl ran off to find the school's medi-witch. He looked down at his godson and shook his head again with a smile. "And here I thought you were so good on a broom. Even my mother could have avoided that bludger!" He laughed as Harry's growled turned into a moan.

He was still laughing as they entered the chambers Sirius was now sharing with Remus, Harry, and Severus. He rolled his eyes and shook his head at his lover's questioning look. Remus stood up from his place in front of the fire and opened the door to Severus' bedroom so Sirius could lay Harry on the bed.

When they walked in, Severus, who was laying on his side facing the door, looked up. Sirius saw Severus' eyes follow him through the room. He was just about to set Harry on what had become his side of the bed, when Severus suddenly sat upright. Severus' eyes were wide, his breathing fast and shallow, and he was trembling. Sirius was shocked. Severus hadn't shown this much vivaciousness since he was first taken to St. Mungo's so long ago.

Setting the semi-conscious Harry down gingerly, Sirius kept his eyes on Severus. He watched as Severus reached out one long fingered hand and lightly touched Harry's face. He heard Remus and Ron gasp from behind him, but astutely ignored them. He was afraid to move or make a sound that would scare Severus back into his shell.

"What's going on?!" Madame Pomfrey yelled from the outer room. Severus screamed and rolled off the bed, and under it. Remus and Ron bowed their heads sadly, while Sirius began to curse under his breath. Harry's eyes had popped open and he was staring around the room wondering where all the noise was coming from.

"Why wasn't Mr. Potter taken to the infirmary?" the Medi-witch yelled as she rushed into the bedroom. "And where is Severus?"

"He's under the bed." Sirius was having a hard time reigning in his temper.

"What the hell's he doing there?"

"Cowering, I should think. You see, *someone* yelled rather *LOUDLY* and it seems to have frightened the poor man!"

"Don't be daft! Severus isn't coherent enough to notice someone yelling," she waved her hand dismissively as she began checking Harry's injuries.

"Not coherent enough!? What do you mean not coherent enough?! You should have seen how he reacted when I brought Harry in!" Sirius was trying to keep his voice down, but was having a difficult time of it. His voice was raising even as his anger was.

"Mr. Black, kindly keep your voice down. There's no need to shout. As for Severus, he is catatonic. He doesn't know what's going on in the least."

Remus grabbed his enraged lover's arm and dragged him from the room, Ron bringing up the rear. Once into the living room with the bedroom door shut, Remus let him go. Sirius began such a tirade of colorful commentary that would make even the shop keepers of Knockturn Alley blush.

After several minutes, Madame Pomfrey exited the room. She informed the three men that Harry had a broken leg which was now mending and a slight concussion, just as Sirius had already diagnosed. She said that no one should disturb him for at least an hour, but then to check on him frequently. Sirius growled at her and entered the bedroom, closing and locking the door behind him.

Sirius stood just inside the door and listened until he heard the medi-witch leave. Once he had calmed down, he quietly approached the bed. Harry was sleeping peacefully, but Severus wasn't in sight. He slowly bent down and peered under the bed. Severus was curled into a tight ball, his tear stained face just visible in the light from the fireplace. When Sirius tried to reach out to him, Severus whimpered and pulled away.

"Well, I guess we'll have to wait for Harry to get you out," he said sadly. He felt awful for the once proud professor. He had been so close to breaking that shell. He had actually, finally reached out to someone. Now it seemed, he was right back where he started.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Four hours later, Harry was just waking up and Severus was still hidden under the bed. When Harry realized Severus wasn't in the bed with him, he became frantic. Remus heard him from the other room and came rushing in. He explained exactly what had happened and that Severus was still under the bed.

Harry was thrilled that Severus had reacted so much to seeing him injured. Leaning gingerly over the side of the bed, Harry looked under and immediately locked gazes with the one he loved. Harry smiled brightly and reached out his hand. He wasn't at all surprised when Severus took it in his own cold, bony hand. Harry gave just enough of a tug to indicate that he wanted Severus to come forward, which he did without hesitation.

As Severus emerged from under the bed, Remus turned and left quietly. Harry, stilling holding Severus' hand, urged him onto the bed beside him. Once there, Harry laid down with his arms tightly around Severus. 

He nuzzled his face into the back of Severus' neck and whispered "I love you." Harry couldn't be sure, but as he drifted back into sleep, he thought he heard his name.

~*~*~*~

Harry woke slowly. He stretched his legs and inhaled deeply. He could smell the citrus from the shampoo he used on Severus' hair, and smiled, tightening his arms around the still form laying next to him.

"I had the most amazing dream, Sev," he whispered into the back of Severus' warm neck. "There was so much more detail then before. It was so real, so beautiful. This island, this sanctuary, was bathed in golden light all day, everyday. The sun shone even through the rain, making the rain feel like liquid sunshine. At night you couldn't possibly count the stars as there were millions and millions of them.

"The trees were as tall as the highest peeks of the castle, all filled with coconuts and ripe fruits. The ground beneath our feet was covered with multi-colored flowers, scenting the entire island with a light floral smell. The beach was a blanket of warm, soft sand where we could lay for hours, talking, making love, just being together. There was a lagoon just through the trees where we could swim, the water always just the right temperature.

"The animals on the island were peaceful and tame. They moved about us as though we were merely an extension of the island, not a threat to them, therefore, not a threat by them. They were beautiful and exotic. Brightly colored birds, chattering monkeys, finely detailed snakes and lizards, not-so-wild boars, and even a few pure white unicorns.

"And the feeling, Sev! It was incredible. So peaceful and serene. There was no sense of danger, no lingering fears, only joy and love. Laying beside you on that beach, I'd never felt so complete in my life! Oh, how I wish it could be real! But even if we only ever visit it in my dreams, at least we've had that much together."

Harry sighed contentedly and pulled Severus closer. He still hadn't opened his eyes, afraid that he would lose the vision if he did. He could feel Severus' uneven breathing and quick heart beat. Harry wondered for a moment if he was holding too tight and making Severus nervous. He loosened his arms slightly and pulled back just a little, but refused to let go.

"We need a name for this island. I never dreamed of its name," he said softly.

"Tearmann," came the soft reply. 

"Tearmann? What is Tearmann?" As Harry asked, it began to dawn on him that Severus had spoken. He pulled his arms away slowly, gently, and sat up staring at Severus. Severus turned and looked up at Harry, his eyes still a little glassy, but not vacant like they had been.

"Tearmann is the Gaelic word for 'sanctuary'." Severus' voice was dry and scratchy, but was the sweetest sound Harry had ever heard. Harry's own voice was caught in his throat so he couldn't speak. He reached out and caressed one pale cheek, watching as Severus closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Harry leaned forward and when their lips were just a hair width apart, whispered "I love you," before pressing their lips together.

As they kissed, Harry's heart soaring, he felt Severus' hands touch his back and linger there. Even though Severus' skin was cool to the touch, his lips were warm and gentle. He felt Severus pull back a little, so gave room for them to breath.

"I love you, too, my Harry," Severus whispered across Harry's lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Tearmann is the Gaelic word for sanctuary.


End file.
